A Long Night of Nightmares and Dreams....

There are times when I honestly do resent some of the gifts I have. I've typed on here before about the fact that too many people complain and/or wish for, things where. You really don't. Know what it would MEAN to be able to see, sense, and/or understand things. With a level of clarity and/or ABILITY.

Where fools would call it, abnormal, or?
Superhuman.
When it REALLY.
ISN'T!

My Mother.
Still can't bring herself to come out and admit, FLAT OUT.
That she was horribly wrong with the things she did and has done.
It is one reason why I find this whole back-n-forth over whether or not Blackwomen are doing this or Blackmen aren't doing that....?

TEDIOUS.

To say the least.

I've spent most of last night, trying to sleep.
I've been sorely lacking in sleep.
And that is because I have been HONESTLY WORKING.
Yesterday I wrote up 3 more pages.
And I'm about to post up the incomplete drawing I did yesterday with not nearly enough sleep.

I came back here once again determined to "get some sleep".
I spent most of last night looking over reactions to the Wrath of Savitar episode from the Flash, because for once the episode was actually worth watching.
I then called it a night.

However...?

I've since been caught-up in a series of what I call "Active Dreams".
Something that has caused problems even while solving things for me.
First in foremost you are SUPPOSEDLY not SUPPOSED to be able to read numbers and letters nor remember them when you sleep.
In these active dreams I can.
Which I have always found....?

Disturbing.

Worse than that I can actually recall and describe events within these types of dreams, WHILE THE DREAM ITSELF IS FRIGHTENINGLY REAL. Something where I have been told over the course of my life by certain people where they have flat out stated that I was SPEAKING TO THEM WHILE BEING ASLEEP. Thankfully THAT hasn't happened in years, BUT!?

It isn't something that I have ever liked and this is where having known and still knowing REAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND PSYCHIATRIST, helps. One of them stated that they believe that my upbringing and particularly SPECIFIC THINGS that My Mother did during the course of me growing up, CREATED THIS "CONDITION". Because she used to barge in on me when I was a boy while I was sleeping. REM-SLEEP is there for a reason, a second psychologist believed that because My Mother was constantly claiming I was being lazy and would not allow me to sleep when I HONESTLY NEEDED SLEEP. And the fact that I was often times exhausted BECAUSE I'D BEEN OVERDOING IT WITH HOUSEWORK OR WHATEVER SHE TOLD OR NEEDED ME TO DO...?

When she kept DISRUPTING MY SLEEP AT ALL HOURS OF THE WHENEVER, my body ADJUSTED so that when I would ENTER REM-SLEEP...?
Parts of My Conscious and Subconscious-Mind became active that are NORMALLY NOT, which, as even Stacey and Noni found out. And which has creeped out My Sworn-Brothers.

I can SEE.
In My Sleep.
>_<
My brain hurts typing that, because it isn't as "awesome" or whatever as that appears to look typed, BUT?! From high school & college roommates to right now, I have always been asked how on earth am I able to keep track of as much as I keep track of and why am I always LOCKING. DOORS. RELIGIOUSLY.

So it usually doesn't take but so long before those who meet My Mother and over time they sometimes ask me "Why does she just try to barge in on whatever you are doing or whatever?" and they ultimately figure out that growing up with HER. Where just like the mess I am in with My Own Son, which ironically she could have stopped or have helped fix immediately. Her constant attempts to be THE SOLE PARENT WITH ALL THE POWER, ultimately made and to a degree, still does. Make her believe she has The Right to simply BARGE IN ON ME regardless of situation, circumstance or whatever else.

And as usual of late...?
No more time.
No more time....

Tch.
Last night up till 5am EST, I had a series of active dreams. I am well-aware that these active-dreams are ME, sorting things out, however. The... clarity, that it provides, is what makes them disturbing. And the connections and thoughts and feelings they sometimes remind me of and show me. Honestly do become...?

Irritating.
Sometimes.
People talk about doing The Right Thing, making The Right Choices.
But nobody likes to HONESTLY TALK ABOUT when you HAVE TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

Even when you wish it was otherwise.
I am AWARE. That I made THEE RIGHT CHOICE.
But that doesn't change the fact that there are not times when I am unhappy about it.
Because the obvious fact of the matter is that I do not like being FORCED.
To make choices where I know.
There won't be.
Any undoing of this.
Even if it was NOT.
Something I wanted to do in the first place....