Good Morning from Philadelphia!
Just within what I've JUST TYPED. I have said more than enough, or typed more than enough. When I LOOK AT THIS PICTURE? I see the woman that I loved and STILL LOVE, the way she HONESTLY, ACTUALLY LOOKS. I have more pictures where you can see her with NO DYE AT ALL in her hair And why would a woman who dyes her hair begin sending me pictures of her ACTUAL, NATURAL LOOK?
What woman sends Her Man pictures of HER NATURAL ACTUAL SELF, after YEARS of constantly spending money on dyes to keep up the front of LOOKING YOUNGER than she actually is?
A woman who knows she can BE HONEST WITH HER MAN, that's who.
This picture? Took years in the making, because You Stacey, refused to stop trying to put up an UNNECESSARY FRONT WITH ME. By constantly dyeing Your Hair. In both the 2nd and 3rd times you came to see me, you didn't break your neck to race to get more hair dye, because you didn't NEED TO AND NEVER DID. Unlike you, I created this blog BECAUSE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR. Just like You Created YOUR BLOG BECAUSE OF ME AND MY FAMILY'S BEHAVIOR AND HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL.
Feelings?
Are what you constantly tout are CRITICAL IN YOUR DECISION-MAKING.
While I constantly show that FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, but there has to be SOME MEASURE OF RATIONAL REALITY TO TEMPER THEM AND ONE HAS TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHY THEY ARE FEELING AND DOING WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND DOING.
Just in that ONE PARAGRAPH, there is more CLARITY of who I am versus who You are. You continue to read here and you've been turtling up and turtling up and turtling up on your blog as I have been more and more direct with you. So you already knew because I'VE ALREADY SHOWN that NOW? I am NO LONGER WAITING FOR TROUBLEMAN OR ANYONE ELSE TO COME SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE POSTED.
You now know that I AM DIRECTLY READING YOUR BLOG AND I AM NOT HIDING THAT! You on the otherhand? Still sneaking around in the bushes. Poking your head out and then mixing bits and pieces of what you read into your blog posts and then trying to play it off like "I ain't sweatin him. I ain't readin his shit, fuck him. Forget him! He ain't shit anyways, cuz I got FAMILY! And I got HAPPINESS! AND I'M FUCKIN FINE DAMMIT!"
At no point have I ever typed on here that I am FINE. Readers here have read from DAY. ONE. THAT I AM NOT FINE! My Son is in the hands of some crazy-woman! And You are fuckin around with some MARRIED MAN BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE FACT THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IT IS;
TIME.
TO GROW UP!
AND MOVE ON IN LIFE!
With Me.
It is 6:31am EST. I have read YOUR POST. I am going to get into the shower and go to work and then I'm going to come back AND ADDRESS THIS. You talk about PEACE OF MIND, which within itself gives me enough rope TO HANG YOU BY YOUR VERY OWN ACTIONS AND YOU KNOW IT! You speak of EMOTIONAL ABUSE, while I told you that ONE OF THE REASONS WHY YOU NEEDED TO SPEND TIME BY YOURSELF AFTER YOU GOT DIVORCED! IS BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN UP UNDERNEATH ZANE FOR THE MAJORITY OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU
DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING!
And the relationship YOU HAD WITH ZANE WAS FUCKIN UNGODLY HORRIBLE! How in THEE HELL are you gonna MAKE GOOD DECISIONS WITH ME WHEN YOU WERE DOING ALL KINDS OF FOUL SHIT WITH HIM WHILE HE WAS ALSO DOING FOUL SHIT WITH YOU!? But even in that? You LIED. You didn't come back looking for me because YOU REALIZED YOUR MISTAKES and you were SO SORRY, no.
You came back because what I'd told you when we parted ways? After I TOLD YOU FLAT OUT I WILL NOT BE YOUR INTERNET CREEP JOINT! NOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THE THINGS YOU SAID AND BE THE WOMAN YOU CLAIMED TO BE OR NOT!? AND IF NOT! THEN I CAN'T HELP YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH YOU!
And then, just like this post I am ABOUT TO PUT UP. When I SHOVED ASIDE YOUR ILLUSION THAT YOU'RE SUCH A STRAIGHT-SHOOTER AND A VICTIM OF LIFE!?
You couldn't take it. Because you SAW THEN, that you were NO DIFFERENT THAN THE MAN YOU'D ANCHORED YOURSELF TO FOR NO. GOOD. REASON. Except for Ego. Except for not being able to except that he'd conned you into giving up the pussy and then like the coward HE STILL IS! Ran away and then couldn't even tell you TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU CONFRONTED HIM! Yeah bitch, I got what I wanted, BEAT IT!
No?
Instead, with his PUSSY-ASS! He LIED. Like a little fuckin COWARD. Then he blamed this one that one JESUS AND HIS PARENTS!
On the other hand there is what I do.
Me?
>_<
HEH!
Yo? Don't come up to me with silly, petty "stereotypical woman mind-games" of asking me something that's SUPPOSEDLY A LOADED QUESTION. One meant to cause me to be put in some position of "If I answer this? Then I'z be worses, I'Z BE WORSES!" like the whole "Do these jeans make me look fat", fake ass Whitewoman bullshit lines!
Where Your Egos are supposed to be as big as ALL OUTDOORS but as FRAGILE AS AN EGG when it comes to Your Sense of SELF AND SELF-WORTH! Don't ask me shit where you've already made up your mind without SAYING you already have an IDEA but you wanna get my opinion too. Talk LIKE AN ADULT ACT THE WAY A WOMAN SHOULD ACT SO THAT SHE GETS TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND HER MAN KNOWS HE CAN HAVE AN HONEST CONVO DURING SERIOUS TIME AND HE CAN KICK BACK AND BULLSHIT WITH HER DURING ALL THE OTHER MOMENTS WITH HER TOO!
You have this ALL OVER YOUR BLOG ALREADY! You KNOW because you were shown by me FROM DAY-1, I don't DO FLOWERY TALK for the sake of PROPPING YOU UP TO KNOCK YOU DOWN! When I give a COMPLIMENT IT IS EARNED! When I give CRITICISM IT IS MEASURED!
But because YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH BEING WITH MEN! You had to LEARN ON THE FLY WITH ME, which is like a BEGINNER RUNNING STRAIGHT TO THE EXPERT COURSES AND LESSONS AND WONDERING WHY THEY KEEP FUCKIN FAILING AND EMBARRASSING THEMSELVES! And you already know and knew that IF YOU'D HAVE SHOWN ME WHO YOU REALLY WERE!? I wouldn't have bothered even being FRIENDS WITH YOU! And that's not me being HARSH that is REALITY! And being up around all those ENABLERS AND LIARS AND TRAITORS YOUR WHOLE LIFE! You haven't had to DEAL WITH REALITY AND PEOPLE IN IT, FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE!
And look at that?
6:53am EST.
>_<
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PEACE OF MIND ANYMORE THAN I DO STACEY!
And you don't HAVE IT! Because just like I AM OVER HERE SUFFERING and CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT FOR ALL THIS BULLSHIT ARGUING WE HAD 10X'S AS MANY
GREAT TIMES TOGETHER!
But you don't handle pressure well.
And when reality started showing you over and over;
You go out that door with Shawn, you have NO CLUE whether ANY of Your Family will speak to you ON THE REGULAR!? What if shit doesn't work!? What if you BREAK UP!? What if YOU FAIL!? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF IT DOESN'T FUCKIN WORK AND YOU GOTTA COME BACK HERE!? WHAT IF YOU SIGN THE HOUSE OVER AND HE KICKS YOU OUT!? WHAT IF!?
What if you stop saying what if and look at FACTS.
And this is why I don't BULLSHIT WITH WOMEN.
When you DECIDED to post that the happiest place you've ever been is DANCE CLASS...!?
See...?
See now...?
I created this blog so I could be HONEST and deal with all the SHIT I kept keeping quiet about. I didn't create this blog to BE VAGUE and try to COVER UP FACTS AND BULLSHIT THE PEOPLE!
Which is why last night I went on ahead and responded WITHOUT HESITATION when Corey Holcomb tweeted about last night's game!
And he fuckin FOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER!
Corey Holcomb (@thecoreyholcomb) is now following you on Twitter!
Inbox
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10:28 PM (8 hours ago)
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He stated something, I saw it, I answered HONESTLY AND OPENLY!
Next thing I know out of the blue HE DECIDES TO FOLLOW ME?
You talk about Peace of Mind, but you don't fool me.
You don't have any Peace of Mind anymore than I do.
But I'm not gonna lie about it and make excuses on why I don't.
You thought you were SLICK.
YOU DECIDED, to get involved with Baby Dave Evans, A BUM ASS NIGGER who THE MOMENT I reminded him OF REALITY when YOU GAVE HIS ASS MY NUMBER TO CALL ME THINKING HE WAS GONE DO FOR YOU WHAT I'VE DONE FOR YOU, please.
That MUTHAFUCKA ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT HIS OWN SITUATION THE MINUTE I REMINDED HIM THAT HE'S A GODDAMN CHEATING ASS PIECE OF SHIT WASHED UP PRODUCER PRETENDING TO BE THIS BIG-TIME MUSIC MOGUL OR WHATEVER THE FUCK HIS DUMB-ASS IS DOING!
You WANT THE BULLSHITTERS AND ASS-KISSERS TO FLATTER YOU AND LIE TO YOU AND THEN LEAD YOU SOMEWHERE AND DUMP YOUR ASS WITH NO WAY THE FUCK OUT! I told you, TO WAIT! Because YOU WERE STILL FUCKIN AROUND BEHIND MY BACK AND YOU'D DONE SHIT THAT YOU KNEW WAS FUCKIN WRONG! And I'd already COVERED FOR AND COSIGNED SHIT I HAD NO BUSINESS COVERING FOR YOU AND COSIGNING WITH YOU AND YOU KNOW IT!
The reason why your ass is MORE SELECTIVE NOW is because UNLIKE THE ENABLERS YOU KEEP, I made it clear I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW ZANE DID THIS THAT AND THE OTHER, BECAUSE YOU TELEGRAPH IT EASY AS SHIT! Now!? You gotta TIGHTEN THE WAY YOU DO THINGS OR YOU'RE GONNA GET GOT TILL YOUR OLD AND FUCKIN GRAY! When you DID STUPID SHIT!?
I DID NOT FUCKIN GIVE YOU A PASS!
When you made HONEST MISTAKES!?
Then I TREATED YOU WITH UNDERSTANDING AND SHOWED YOU HOW TO DO BETTER! But YOU SWEAR that because you have a LIFE TIME OF NIGGERS ENABLING YOUR BEHAVIOR AND THEN SUGARCOATING SHIT!? I'M SUPPOSED TO
I
will
NOT!
I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO SUGARCOAT AND SET UP MY FUCKIN WIFE FOR FAILURE BECAUSE IT'S GONNA "MAKE ME SOUND MEAN"! OR MAKE YOU FEEL BAD! WHILE ALL YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN IS REWARDED FOR BAD BEHAVIOR AND SHITTY DECISION-MAKING!
7:11am EST.
Here is the post you typed on Your Blog.
I gotta get up outta here and go to work.
Love can't conquer anything when YOU couldn't even tell me the truth that the reason why you came back was because the warning I'd given you WAS RIGHT! You, YOU MY DEAR! Played MIND-GAMES WITH ZANE! INSTEAD OF GETTING THAT DIVORCE! You didn't listen to A WORD I TYPED AND TOLD YOU! YOU WENT RIGHT BACK TO YOUR PETTY BULLSHIT! COULD CARE. LESS! THAT THIS MAN HAS RUINED YOUR FUCKIN LIFE AND YOU COSIGNED THAT SHIT AND LET'EM DO IT! THEN YOU BECAME THE SAME KIND OF LYING CHEATER THAT HE IS! You then thought you could CONVINCE ME, CON, ME!? By talking about I'm gone tell Zane the truth cuz I don't want him to do this kind of thing to me, HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS ALREADY FUCKIN ANYTHING THAT MOVED FUCK WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? NO!? You were PISSED AND EMBARRASSED BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE A MAN DIDN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR LOOKS! YOUR HOT SWEET ASS OR PUSSY OR ANY OF THAT SHIT!
I gave a fuck about YOUR ACTIONS NOT MATCHING YOUR WORDS, baby. And that shit FUCKED YOU UP! Because for once YOU WERE TREATED LIKE A WOMAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE. So you lied to me. LIED TO YOURSELF. Ignored what I told you OUT OF GENUINE CONCERN! Then went back, ran your MIND-GAME OF UNNECESSARY BULLSHIT ON HIM! His DUMB ASS FELL FOR AT FIRST! BEGGED, WHINED, PLEADED FOR PUSSY FROM YOU! You watched HIM GROVEL AND GRINNED AND LAUGHED AND YOUR PETTY-ASS FELT GREAT! Till, REALITY RETURNED AND HE FIGURED SHIT OUT AND THEN HE BEAT YOU! JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU HE WOULD! While you were on a retreat with ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YOUR PHONY-ASS FAMILY THERE!
Now, THAT'S EMOTIONAL ABUSE, HUH!? TELLING THE TRUTH IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!? When I told you OUT OF FUCKIN CONCERN FOR YOUR FUCKIN WELL-BEING! Just go on back and just KEEP. FUCKIN. QUIET! Cuz you DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO ANYWHERE! But once again, YOUR EGO. And your ego, got you fucked up. So then?
THEN!?
You decided you needed help.
Then and there honey?
If Dave was YOUR SOULMATE!?
YOU SHOULDA CALLED THAT BUM-ASS
NIGGER!
But you didn't. Because he's just as foul and CORRUPT as all the other fuckin males you know, no. You came TO ME, because FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE A MAN DIDN'T FUCKIN LIE TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE, not mine, YOURS! And did you tell me that this was why you sought me out again, Stacey? Did you? Did you? Where? I was Your Friend, before I was ANYTHING MORE! YOU DID NOT NEED TO FUCKIN LIE TO ME WOMAN! But once again...
"I can't tell him he was right, I'll never hear the end of it!"
Or some ole PUSSIFIED BULLSHIT THOUGHT LIKE THAT WHICH IS STUPID! Because now, now you see!? You TAINTED EVERYTHING FROM FUCKINNN JUMP STREET! Because YOU DIDN'T COME LOOKING FOR ME CUZ YOU KNEW YOU LOVED ME AND MISSED ME, NO! You came LOOKING FOR ME!?
Because you needed help.
And you should've just SAID THAT.
Here is YOUR POST for MY READERS TO READ, so they can see why I've stayed till damn near 7:30am EST to type this AND I'M STILL NOT DONE. But I got work to get to;
Love Conquers All.....A-HEM!
In some cases.
I'll be fair.
I believe in love, don't get me wrong, with allllllll of my dextrocardia'd heart and situs inversus'd spleen but I don't believe in all types of love. Especially when it comes to their conquering abilities.
I don't believe in 'narcissistic' love where it's all about the person you're with and you doing everything to make them happy and then fuck what makes you happy.
Dammit! I'll do better. Promise! Gimme a few sentences and you'll see signs that I'm trying to behave.
'Abusive' love where it doesn't have to be physical abuse but emotional or mental and when it is the latter? I'll say this. Physical bruises heal. It takes years and work to rid yourself of the results of emotional abuse. It's not okay to tell yourself that "At least he/she is not beating me…." And yes, you read that right, I said she.
'You owe me' love where the person you're with won't release you from that relationship, no matter how unhappy you both are, because you owe them the time or even loyalty that they'd spent on you throughout that relationship.
My question is. What do those conquer? Your self-confidence? Your expectations about love? Your freedom? Your sanity? Your hope for actually wanting to enter into another relationship? Boyz II Men said it best in my car this morning, ".....don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry. You'll end up killing all the love you have inside......"
I believe in a love where everyday feels either just like yesterday or better, with your partner. A love that fuels an endless excitement about your partner, even if they're sitting next to you staring into space. I've felt that kind of love. It's the most beautiful thing in the world to me but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that out there in this huge ol' world, real love has never been conquered or shaved away by other crap! That real love has never existed between two people who're no longer together. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that sometimes even the most selfless love doesn't turns bad. It does. And this is why it is so vital for when you find that? To nurture it, care for it and keep fanning the fires of it so that you don't lose it.
Relationships need effort, constant effort. For some lucky bastards, *fuck*---lawwwd, my mouth? It's a natural, blissful co-existence where loving that somebody feels effortless, where all it takes are those deep feelings to lead your actions in loving them, right. For some, it feels like work work work work work! Worthy work, though. But just like with everything in life, any form of lobsidedness when it comes to the requirements, causes conflict or impossibility. Will you be able to continue driving a car if one of its tyres politely just rolled off into the opposite direction? Will you be able to run a marathon if you lost one of your running shoes, without hurting yourself?
Thought so.Everything in life, whether it be love, hobbies, driving, cleaning……….have requirements. If any part of those are missing……you might get away with it for a while but it will be difficult, or you might not because it's just impossible to succeed without it.
Just like I believe that not letting someone back in your life has nothing to do with forgiveness, you cannnn forgive and make better choices, it's possible. When a certain amount of shit happens at soaring, ruthless levels, then it has to become about your choice of WHAT you are letting back into your life as opposed to WHO you are letting back into your life. It can't be "Okay, I forgive you, now come back for round two 'cause uhhhhhhh, I just wanna see if I'll be able to scrape my broken ass off the floor a little better this time, once you're done with me."
Forgiveness is meant to free YOU regardless of whether whomever you are forgiving is still in your life or not. Ask God, He'll tell you. Often, you find yourself glued to the exact spot at which they walked away and while you are still mourning the situation either with sadness or anger? They're long gone, living la vida loca and not giving you or your unforgiveness a second thought. Pffffffffffft! Is that fair on you? Nope. But?!!! Who's stopping you from lavid--ering you own loca? That's right. You. And that's really the part that not fair on you. Blocking your own progress and know this………..Nobody can forgive themselves for you TO BE ABLE TO move on from them. For you to dissolve your grudgery. I knowwwwwwww that's not a word, just. Go. With. It.
Alright, let's---------let's pretend---------How you gonna know? Even if it did work that way. How you gonna know? I. Hear. Crickets. 'Cause ay, things blew the fuck UP and now y'all don't deal. And I don't blame y'all too. Things turned just nasssssssty!
Man, I love pretend worlds. Things can be however you want them to be.
Now, on pretend planet, is that person gonna send you a smoke signal about, "I forgave myself for my part in the explosion, you can now take the first step towards your healing……"
---frown---
Planet earth---------Only you can do the forgiving for it to matter to YOU and change what's inside of YOU! It's something that you do for YOUR OWN healing, for YOUR OWN progress from one emotional and spiritual place to another. YOUR OWN peace.
It's heavy, otherwise.
Too heavy.
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