Phispectoco Questions, ANSWERED!

Good Evening...

From Philadelphia....

LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT!

Question #1;

But Geese, pray tell, if one has traveled through one's life in an unstructured, undisciplined manner, how does one turn on these things? How does one suddenly see within oneself? Pray tell, Geese, for if I am to go from what was into what will be, than I must go through what is....and I am the Wizard Of Iz. 

Aside from the fact that My Instincts are wondering who you might actually be, if you've lived an unstructured and undisciplined life or manner, then the only way to become structured and disciplined is to acknowledge the fact that you lack structure and discipline and then begin moving towards what you're seeking. Which means you have to start off by acknowledging that you're lacking then you have to begin to look at whether you're serious about achieving structure and discipline. If so, then that means you have to start monitoring your own behavior and actively correcting when you are not being structured and disciplined. There is no "turning these things on", because we're all human-beings and not machines. So it is a gradual process strictly driven by your level of seriousness and commitment to achieving your goal.

You also cannot think you can continue to be up underneath, around and in, an environment with friends and family who are undisciplined and lacking structure themselves. Without admitting that they are an obstacle to your own goal. If you have family who may be these counter-things to your goal but are good & respectful towards you, then you can simply explain to them what you're doing and they should respect you for it and give you the space you need. If not?

Then you have a problem. And the severity of that problem is completely dependent upon your relationship with them and their relationship of you. And understand these two things are typed out for the sole purpose of reminding the readers that while you have your own ideas and interactions with friends and family, etc. You have to be honest about whether or not things are truly what you think or are merely what you'd life for them to be!

Most people "see within oneself" because of some sort of life experience, be it a person, situation, circumstance, etc. So it is some sort of event that happens that allows the person to see who they are, where they actually stand, etc-etc!

Question #2;

How did it happen Geese? When did the Happiness which once was yours evaporate? Could you see the signs? Was there something in the air which gave you a hint that something was wrong? When did it start? And what will it take to regain that Happiness, that Contentment, that Life which once was yours? 

Reading your comments they're borderline trollish, to potentially Stacey perhaps disguising herself, to you honestly being a reader and honestly asking me these questions! Either way, I'ma answer them with the hope that Stacey wouldn't, I've seen you do weird shit like this Stacey so don't look at me like this; O_O when you know full-well you do some stalker-type shit when you feel like fuckin with somebody, just sayin! And so you don't feel picked on, everyone here already knows I will intentionally do fucked up shit if I feel as though I need to, even if it is or looks, STALKERISH! So I'm just puttin that out there too so you don't think I'm up on here pickin on you, but I know how you can get when you feel like some fuckery!

HAHAHAHAHA, O_o, SMILE! ^_^ 

Now back to the question;

First and foremost Stacey was married when she found me on Penpals International and she was miserable, even though she'd sing and put on a good front from time-to-time, she made it clear she wasn't happy with being with Zane. Now, technically, long before I ever knew Stacey? She should have just gone on ahead and gotten a divorce. In the midst of all of this before I knew, before, I knew her. She met this Blackman name David Evans while her and her family was vacationing here. So at some point her and good ole Baby Dave Evans started having an affair. Now? Stacey will read this and probably get pissed, but facts are facts and it does me no good to try to cover up what was actually going on before I ever knew her and ultimately became the key to destroying Our Relationship.

When Stacey and I were friends, she never once mentioned that she'd had an affair. Stacey herself is fully aware that if at any point she'd done so, I would have simply stopped talking to her and moved on. My MISTAKE was taking a married woman at face-value where, she was still married to Zane. So clearly you can't be THAT UNHAPPY if you're still up underneath this person. When I finally decided to open My Mouth, it was inappropriate ON MY PART, BECAUSE SHE WAS STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE. And this is one area where I no longer just take away responsibility from a woman and just heap all of it on myself, no. She knew what she was doing when she kept on talking about how bad her marriage was and the fact that her and I were spending a LOT OF TIME emailing back-n-forth and getting to know each other. 

So she was fishing for an internet affair and I went on ahead and opened my mouth and got what I initially deserved. Poorly done attempts on her part to convince me to just go along with things and see what happens, see where things land at, however!? Stacey wasn't, WAS NOT, ACCUSTOMED to a man actually BELIEVING WHAT SHE'D SAID AND NOW EXPECTING HER TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON WHAT SHE'D SAID. So My Dumb-Ass is expecting HER TO HONESTLY GO AND GET DIVORCED SO SHE CAN BE A FREE AND CLEAR WOMAN THAT CAN DATE AND SO I CAN DATE HER! She on the other hand is feeling uncomfortable as shit because I'm constantly expecting her to FOLLOW THROUGH LIKE A NAIVE IDIOT! And yes, I typed I was naive and idiotic, BECAUSE I WAS! So over the course of three months I finally realized that her getting divorced was never her intention and the whole thing was meant for me to just shut up and go along for the ride. Fuck around on the internet when she's at work. Then get off the internet and she goes home to Zane and her kids while I go on back to whatever I was doing, well?

That's not me.

And I didn't care for the fact that I'd bought into what she'd said and now she's showing me otherwise, so!? I simply told her I can't be bothered anymore. Again, she herself can always pull up the chats and of course I have them too. At NO POINT did I AGREE to just keep floating along and floating along with Her. This is really where everything should have ended at. I went on about My Life and she went back to Hers. But it was the fact that she was willing to be up on the internet and risk what really wasn't real in Her Life anyway. And what I mean by THAT WAS, she wasn't even HAPPY with Zane. Technically, she should have gotten a divorce with or without ME OR EVEN DAVE. But she didn't. And there are a number of factors to that, which are all over this blog and actually tie into YOUR FIRST QUESTION. 

Structure and discipline don't just APPEAR OUTTA NOWHERE simply because NOW YOU REALIZE YOU NEED THEM. If you didn't have these traits PRIOR TO WHENEVER YOU NOW UNDERSTAND YOU NEED THEM, in whatever PHASE OR ELEMENT OR ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE THEY ARE LACKING, so!? When it comes to HER WORK, she is STRUCTURED AND DISCIPLINED! But that is driven moreso by REQUIREMENT TO KEEP HER JOB. So anyone can APPEAR TO BE some way or one way, when THEY HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. I've typed all of this because this is the FOUNDATION that Stacey had laid down with Me, which is another reason why NOW she is hesitant to MOVE NOW.

While People on Her Side of the Fence only know whatever pieces she's decided to tell them, you'll find not one reply to anything I've ever typed that HAS TO DO WITH BABY DAVE EVANS AND HER AFFAIR WITH HIM, both prior to Me and During and AFTER. Frankly the fact that he existed and EXISTS in Her Life is interesting at the same time it means that at any given moment if someone PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM, NOT HER. But HIM! He has no reason to keep His Mouth Shut if HIS LIFESTYLE AND SUCH is ever  in DANGER BY HIS DEALINGS WITH HER. This is another reason why I am still disappointed with Stacey. Because while I was being a naive idiot, she knew that at NO POINT did Dave EVER CLAIM HER TO ANYONE OF WORTH ON HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE! And some Fat Co-conspirator DOES NOT COUNT!

Stacey met MY FAMILY THE FIRST TIME SHE CAME HERE!

I've no clue if she's EVER MET DAVE'S PARENTS OR PARENT OR HIS CHILD OR WIFE, where within that is all kinds of problems. Because Wives can sense when Other Women are too close to Their Husband's. So you're asking how was happiness lost? Because she went on ahead and showed signs that she was up to her normal mode of doing things when she was with Zane. Unfortunately for Stacey, she projects TOO EASILY and HONESTLY DOES FEEL GUILTY WHEN SHE IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG, which leads to even more questions that show that much of what SHE DOES, WAS ACTUALLY LEARNED FROM THOSE AROUND HER.

That doesn't ABSOLVE HER of her actions, but she will do something she knows she shouldn't! And then immediately START TELLING ON HERSELF BY HER BEHAVIOR! So it was easy for me to KNOW when she was fucking around or whatever, because she's actually not very good at hiding it. And while some men might look the other way or wait for some CONCRETE PROOF TO DROP!? Others on the other hand will use Her Behavior to become ABUSIVE RIGHT OFF THE BAT! And that's just not me. Her ex-husband on the other hand?

Now with all that TYPED? You're probably saying that such a woman should NEVER BE TRUSTED, however? What have I already typed as well? Like MOST WOMEN, thanks to the bullshit that White Power Supremacy has spread far and wide, A COMPLETE LOOK AT WHAT IS MAKING A WOMAN DO WHAT SHE IS DOING AND WHO IS SHE, WHAT MAKES HER, HER!? Is NOT EXPECTED. AND IS NOT ACTUALLY A PART OF THE EQUATION. She does some shit you don't like, either BEAT HER WITH A STICK! Or, JUST CHEAT ON HER ASS TOO! Or, JUST GET RID OF HER!

-_-

She's DISPOSABLE.

 She's REPLACEABLE.

And, INTERCHANGEABLE!

All of which is bullshit.

What I find funny is that when Men fuck up, we are supposed to be given 2nd, 3rd, 10TH TIMES TO DO BETTER!  A LIFETIME! TO DO BETTER! However when women fuck up!? OH NAH BITCH YOU OUT! Meanwhile!? That isn't even the fuckin case! But the SOCIAL MESSAGE IS CENTERED AROUND THIS CHILDISHLY STUPID SHIT. Look? I told Stacey straight up that I KNEW she was capable of cheating, because I knew HOW I'D GOTTEN THERE TO BE WITH HER! That entire sentence was centered around the fact that when I stepped to her like a man who'd taken her seriously, her response was to pretend like she wouldn't have to do the things she'd said and honestly get a divorce to become a free-woman. When she refused to do that, I left her. And I did so, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. I will NOT ACCEPT ANYONE GETTING MAD AT ME BECAUSE I TOOK YOU SERIOUSLY AND YOU'RE NOT TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY!

That's your problem. Not mine. Till YOU MAKE IT MY PROBLEM. Now we, have a problem. She went back to her "marriage". Did exactly what I knew she'd do and she got exactly what she actually already knew she would get from it, abuse. And nothing. So as I've said before, she could have run to Baby Dave Evans, why didn't she? For the same reason that things didn't work out in whatever way, shape or form as now, with Him. Because she knew that this man DID NOT AND DOES NOT LOVE HER. While she knew then like she does now, I DO. She speaks of Soulmates and believed ERRONEOUSLY that HE was Her Soulmate, yet she literally tells the readers or at least she used to, that Her and I were and are, opposites.

But when you break that down and look at it? Are we actually OPPOSITES or are we HALVES OF EACH OTHER'S OWN PERSONALITIES? There are times when I can be too serious and she was the one who would be able to steer me away from that. While there are times where she is not serious enough and I was able to steer her away from that. The REALITY IS that we possess qualities that complement each other more than complicate each other. Otherwise, no amount of faking would have allowed for a 5-year relationship that really didn't need to go on to get that far in the first place. She herself complained and I can always cut-copy-paste! And I've typed about it, that she spent money to come see me! But within her own complaint is THE FACT THAT;

But you were cheating on me, sooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh, yeah. That means you're committing to a relationship IN ME, while having some dude on the side who HAS NEVER CLAIMED YOU EXCEPT FOR IN BULLSHIT WAYS. Her moves make NO SENSE, tillllllllllllllllllllll, you learn and know about Her Family, AND THEIR CUSTOMS AND CULTURE. It was common for her to tell me THIS Colouredman cheating, THAT Colouredwoman cheating, and they HAVE THEIR SIDE-PIECES AND STAY MARRIED. -_- Well? I'm NOT a Coloured South African. I'm NOT going for that. If you cannot come to ME and tell ME what is going on then YOU had BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH AND PANTS SHUT!

^_^

Because that is what is EXPECTED OF ME.

This question has a long-ass answer doesn't it.

I think it should be CLEAR to ANYONE who has read BOTH OUR BLOGS. If we were REALLY MISERABLE WITH EACH OTHER, we certainly wouldn't bitch-n-moan-n-bastardize so much ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. She has of course calmed down and so have I and at some point or another as I've been told while riding in to work "Is this why you told her it's okay to come up on the blog and read?" and the answer is an OBVIOUS YES.

BOTH OF US ARE STUBBORN PEOPLE.

NORMALLY, one of Us will at SOME POINT OR ANOTHER lower the drawbridge and send out a White-flag rider to talk about ending whatever issue we have. And understand something else, where ONLY HER AND I KNOW THIS. Whenever we were TOGETHER when she would come and visit me? We always had ONE argument or problem. And whatever that issue WAS? Never lasted more than ONE DAY. EVER. But this time a LOT OF SHIT has gone on and it isn't so easy to do that. I'm aware that Stacey herself might read this and be like "I don't give TWO FUCKS ABOUT YOU ANYWAY, SO FUCK YOU!" so for those reading this I'm NOT DELUSIONAL. I'm fully aware that she may have moved on and not give two flying

^_^

You didn't really fall for that one did you?

Like I said, nobody in their right mind is gonna come back here after some of the posts that I put up in end of May, Start of June. It just isn't happening, NO WOMAN. Is gonna read those post and be like "CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT MUTHAFUCKIN INSULT FROM THIS FUCKIN BIG-NOSED SON-OF-A-BITCH!" it just ain't happening. A woman would ONLY COME BACK strictly because SHE KNOWS;

And understand that I already know that I'm NOT PERFECT. There were things where I could have handled them better, but at NO POINT, EVER. Did I betray Stacey's Trust. I typed on here already that Stacey has a rather complicated BDSM-persona that CAN BE HARD TO READ AT TIMES. And while I'm not NEW to that, what honestly made it hard was and IS the fact that SHE IS NEW TO HAVING SOMEONE WHO HONESTLY UNDERSTANDS THAT SIDE OF HERSELF, where NOW SHE HAS TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT SIDE OF HERSELF TOO. This is another reason why she's simply SITTING THERE.

How to resolve all of this? I already posted it. It requires ME, TO GO TO HER. Or? To do something that I HAVE NOT really DONE. Where I won't need to move at all. All I really have to do? Is simply stop berating her.

She knows she messed up. And while she can fool her friends and family WHO WANT TO BE FOOLED BY THE WAY. She's already done all of this before, pretending like she's happy and constantly smiling and telling jokes and, I met this side of her when we were friends. And even when we first started dating LEGITIMATELY. And it is something she's had to develop to deal with where she's come from. The solutions are clear and obvious and actually depend more on ME than on Her. Part of the reason why I have fallen back is because of the fact that Gina said it best "You know she feels badly and I know you're upset with Her but I don't think she can honestly face you. And not because she's scared or hates you, but she's ashamed. And I think you know with all that ear-to-ear grinning she keeps trying to do. It's a poor attempt to cover up the fact that she made a bad decision and she knows it didn't make any sense to do that and she did it anyway."

Last Question;

Geese, does the thought of never finishing disturb you? I mean if there is an ever-growing number of thoughts, ideas and goals which you have, but yet there is a finite amount of time left for you, does the thought of being unable to bring everything to fruition bother you? Does it keep you awake at night? Can you live with the reality that you will probably leave this earth with ideas that will rot in the ground with your soul? Pray tell me, Geese. 

Of course it bothers me that I might not finish every idea that I have. I might not reach EVERY GOAL that I have too, however?! That is why I prioritize things. Most would swear I'm being ass-backwards in pushing ahead with Williams Works and getting My Business up to snuff! Instead of just SNATCHING UP ALL THE MONEY I CAN LAY HANDS ON AND RUNNING TO GET MY SON! Where? As you've all read, I've been paying my way from out under the Wendy's job while also paying CURRENT-ONGOING BILLS AND EXPENSES. Just this alone shows why I am doing what I am doing. It even adds to and influences why I am not calling Stacey, something that I'm certain that Stacey herself is fearful of which is being called "a distraction". Which is actually something that does not apply now, because her social networking services and skills are sorely needed. Cuz I've got low tolerance for that shit, for real.

As far as living with the reality of dying while some of My Ideas are unrealized and unfulfilled, well? Right now I've got My Hands Full with what I'm doing RIGHT NOW, so!? I'm not really focusing on anything beyond the storylines I already have and the artwork and then the fact that getting the T-shirt printing press is a critical step in bringing in money from Williams Works. But my FIRST TASK is to get control over My Finances and Bills with the Day Job. So once those MONTHLY BILLS ARE UNDER CONTROL, then I have money left with those paychecks where it is SUBSTANTIAL. And that phase is FINALLY ALMOST COMPLETED! 

...Gonna get my passport soon....

Answering this one was easy, because it is something that I AND I ALONE CAN CONTROL. The 2nd question relies upon cooperation from Stacey. And contrary to what she attempted to put out there, I DO NOT and DID NOT seek to CONTROL HER. Because if I did, I wouldn't be typing any of this and things wouldn't be where they are. However, Stacey would be miserable and really would hate my guts. Okay!? It's 11:28pm EST and I have stayed here a bit longer than I thought I would. Clothes are washed and dried. I'ma take My Ass to bed! Good Morning Stacey, and Goodnight! Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd goodnight to all of you too! SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN PEOPLE!