Even as I sit here now, I have 3 drafts saved, where? I just looked at your blogpost of Looking Out and it...? All I can do is sit here and just...? Shake my head. And I shake my head because it is clear that you are having to come to terms with the fact that you are seeing at different times, irrefutable proof, that Our Relationship wasn't the garbage you've run around telling people or tried to convince yourself of. And now you've read my post on here about you already Having a Home, and Looking Out, is your attempt to reply, but?
It's a massive contradiction of literally everything that even makes sense to get into a relationship for. Never mind that it is in direct conflict of who you honestly and actually are. You say things, TYPE THINGS, where it is obvious that you now know that you gambled away Our Future for nothing, to chase nothing but a dead end with Dave. And the post contradicts literally what you've only just recently already brought up and admitted. While talking about something that has everything to do with the person having to have their own ABILITY to do what you're saying. Which is be happy with WHO YOU ARE. Well? No matter how many gurus say this that or another, everyone is NOT happy with themselves. But it isn't about being happy with yourself, YOU HAVE TO HAVE, A SENSE OF SELF TO BEGIN WITH. And while this may seem simple and straight-forward, THIS is what you were TRYING TO TALK ABOUT. Otherwise, what you have posted means nobody should get in ANY relationships, EVER. Never mind that once again you withhold talking about your infidelity, which you know destroys your credibility to even be opening your mouth on any of this and I don't care how you try to hide that or simply ignore it. Nobody can ignore when they know that they lied. Tried to be slick and cheat. Lost their man that they knew always put them first so they could become some other man's actual mistress and side-piece, only for everything to fail in the end, relatively quickly too, on top of that.
Looking Outward...?
Reeks of regrets.
And you think you can keep on avoiding having to confess to what you have done that has you all fucked up now mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. I still see no explanation on your part about what happened with "Your soulmate" Dave. Where you bragged about him sending you flowers and that's all you need. Then by the end of last year, you then just come out and say you're alone now...? I'm paging through Your Blog and...? No explanation about how you got that way, nothing. Then you make sure not to go into any details about what happened between you and him, never mind you never mention the fact that the man was married and you'd had an affair with him before. I? I'm left to wonder how much longer you're going to be able to carry all of these secrets and lies before something gives. Because even you are grudgingly having to admit that you're no longer able to easily bullshit yourself into going along with even your own lies.
Then you say that your happiness shouldn't all be on one person, but? People get into relationships to FIND HAPPINESS WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. And all Looking Out shows is that you are having no choice but to have to admit the fact that YOU THREW YOURS AWAY FOR NO GOOD REASON. Other than fear of having to grow up and move on. You are trying to make your selfishness BE OKAY, and, that's why you're alone. Because what you've done is NOT OKAY. By any stretch of the words. And until you finally admit that, then you'll be making more posts like Looking Out that will actually tell any man reading that, to avoid you at all costs.
You cannot move on, for a totally different reason than me.
I am TYPING THIS, and DOING THIS, by DESIGN AND CHOICE.
You thought when I was calling you, that I was calling because I "just couldn't let go and move on", when in reality I was calling you to keep you and Dave together so that the pressure of having to PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER BE, which is a REAL. COUPLE.
Would ultimately cause both of you to self-destruct.
Or?
Turn on one another, relationship-wise.
The best way to deal with a cheater is to cram the person they cheated with down their throat till they choke on them. And since Dave was already limited and would be faced with filling the void YOU CREATED WITHIN YOURSELF BY BETRAYING ME, well?
How can a married man be there for you like me, when Dave's situation was totally different from mine. Never mind that you already had a rotten foundation with him from the door. And you had plenty of opportunities to get with him while you were married to Zane, where? You should have gotten A DIVORCE LONG BEFORE YOU EVER KNEW ME. Then you could have gone and had a relationship with Dave, or could you? Especially since Dave more likely than not has other mistresses scattered around who are no different than you. Except they live here and not 8,000 miles away. These facts aren't even approached by you on your blog. And clearly your readership doesn't comment or care that you are putting out more and more blogpost that blatantly contradict the ones the day before or two days before the newest one.
I'm going to bed. Because I'm finally tired enough to go to bed, but? I wasn't your sole source of anything. I was, and in your own twisted way, still am, the man that you loved and love. And you're now paying the price for being unfaithful. You had the same family-members who surround you now. You had your children. You had Your Friends, what do you mean by saying you need more than a single person to dictate your happiness. You sew, you sewed. You made those arts and crafts. You drew caricatures of my artwork. You wrote poetry. Do you need me to refreash your memory of all of the hobbies and things that you used to do, where? It was always about filling time for you and you unwittingly reveal that and even use that kind of language where it makes it literally obvious that you literally mean find a way to preoccupy your mind. Which is why I included the LaLa Land video at the top. You texted and had Mixet, you revealed you had multiple email accounts, you had plenty of things to simply help you kill time. And all of it was unfulfilling to you because what IS fulfilling to YOU and FOR YOU, is exactly what you keep saying or were saying, throughout your blog.
Being In Love.
Being In a Relationship.
Being a Libra.
And BELIEVING in Love.
Now?
This post just shows that reality is catching up to you and you don't like what it is forcing you to see, experience and understand the fact that;
You were happy with me. And now just like how your family-members felt when they swore you were going to leave them behind and get on with your life with me, now? You are the one who is in danger of being left behind and all of the people who cheered you on and whatever else they did, they have what makes them happy and contented. And you, do not. And like I said, you can sit out on the steps for as long as you want to and pretend you don't know how to come in the house and sit down and talk with me and just... take your punishment like a woman should when she knows she's gone way beyond too far and now doesn't like the fact that she sees she's stuck out in the middle of nowhere and now all that neck-swiveling and shit-talking, doesn't make her feel loved and needed and wanted and special. Doesn't come to bed with her at night, not even by phone. You can't escape yourself and you can't escape the truth.
You had dance. So it wasn't just me that you had as your sole everything, but dance? Isn't the Man You Loved and no amount of supposed happiness at a dance class is going to replace what you experienced when you would get off that plane to see me. And you'd LITERALLY RUN INTO MY ARMS! And we'd get your bags and get in the limo and just...? Be close and GRATEFUL TO FINALLY BE CLOSE. To one another. No amount of dance will replace the countless times that we slept together on the phone. Or all the times we laughed so hard we cried. You are trying to mask the fact that now you see that you were ACTUALLY. HAPPY, with me. The way that a woman is supposed to be when she finds a man that she knows is worth it and loves her and needs her the way she loves him and needs him too....
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Looking Outward
Nobody and nothing out there should have to bear that responsibility anyway. That means that if you're with someone or you're doing something, before and after both of those? You should be able to sustain a certain level of fulfilment. Easier said than done, for sure. Because in the midst of heartbreak or a sense of loss, it's almost impossible to feel anything good. But I think that if you went into anything already being okay, without it, then losing it, losing them, will hurt but healing from it doesn't drag on.
So how are you going to heal from losing something or someone where you've made them the sole source of your happiness? Your sole source, period? That's a toughy. Tough to heal and tough to deal. Even without a loss? Just an absence, leaves you looking around like, "Fuck do I do with myself until I get to see them again or speak to them again or do that again?" Right?
I can't sit here and tell you that the road to being absolutely okay that way is not a lifelong journey, or that it's an easy one. I see it as a constant road of standing back and deciding, "Did that make me feel positive? Did that add anything to my life?" If it did, you keep it. If it didn't, well? What good is it to you?
Hobbies, help. A healthy social life, helps. Spending the day alone and not feeling as though you're alone, helps. The worst thing is to have nothing to fill your time with, during loss or absence. That's the type of situation that leaves these huge gaps that mmmmm, sometimes things like alcohol fills? Hmmmmm? That's just one example of a gap-filler. One of the more dangerous I think because you don't actually notice how quickly a glass before bed becomes a glass right after you wake and not long after that becomes, "Ahhhh, not doing anything, just sitting alone and watching tv and drinking some wine...." many times a week.
As cold as it sounds? Work towards a full life. A life where you have enough left over should you not be able to continue seeing a person or doing a thing. That's not to say that you have to strive to be inhumane. Oh no! That's not to say that even having a full life prevents pain. No. It means, like I said, you have enough left over. And if you have enough left over, then you have enough to turn empty days into busy days, and enough to turn gaping holes into pin holes quicker than having lost your sole source!
You, be your sole source. Hell! And while you're there? Be your SOUL source too!
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