Cleaning and Organizing My Apartment! Found MY DIARY-JOURNALS for My Son!

I'm tired.
I?
Really have NOT organized this place since moving here.
So I have totes and boxes and shit ALL TO ONE SIDE of My Apartment.
And I've been, puttin stuff away all night since getting back!

And lo-n-behold I find ONE OF MY DIARY-JOURNALS from 2008 to 2010 and I've been sitting here READING IT, now!?
QUICKLY, cuz I need to go to bed, MIND YOU!?

I have 4 Williams Works Posts to PUT UP.
They ain't gettin Up TONIGHT.
BUT!?

These PHYSICAL DIARY-JOURNALS ARE RECORDS FOR MY SON SO HE CAN SEE WHAT I WAS DOING WHILE WE WERE SEPARATED AND LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING?!?!!?
-_-
THIS LAST, GIANT BLACK DIARY-JOURNAL BOOK!?!?!?
-_-
Jesus.
K.
TO THE FUCKIN WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?

I tell You, when You Love a Woman who has NEVER HAD ANY EXPECTATIONS PLACED ON HER AND HAS ALWAYS SKATED THROUGH LIFE!?!?!?
-_-
I kept these records UNEDITED, because I NEED FOR MY SON TO READ WHAT WAS HONESTLY GOING ON.
And good Lord I was reminded of just the Fact that when a woman is able to make it to damn near 40-years old and has NEVER ADDRESSED AND RESOLVED ANYTHING OF MAJOR IMPORTANCE IN HER LIFE...!?

Reading through these journal entries.
O_o?
o_O?
O_O!
I was LITERALLY making Stacey GROW UP AND FACE HER OWN LIFE!
Yo, I am seriously looking AT MYSELF AS A FATHER and UNDERSTANDING THAT WHEN THE PARENTS DON'T DO THEIR FUCKIN GODDAMN JOBS THEIR FUCKIN KIDS ARE DOOMED TO FUCKIN MASSIVE FUCKIN FAILURE IN CRITICAL AREAS OF LIFE THAT THEY ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY CANNOT FUCKIN FAIL OR HAVE MAJOR ISSUES IN!

Our Relationship was a roller-coaster ride because Her Family.
Her Friends.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HER!?
Jusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst, COASTIN THROUGH FUCKIN LIFE!
So somebody LIKE ME COMING ALONG AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, WITH HER COMING FROM THAT KIND OF ENVIRONMENT AND STILL BEING IN THAT KIND OF ENVIRONMENT...!?

Is KINDA LIKE THIS;

I don't.

 Come from an Environment where You just bitch-n-moan for bitchin-n-moaning's sake.

And then people are supposed to then RESPECT YOU, when You NEVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT WHATEVER YOU'RE BITCHIN AN MOANIN ABOUT!

Then?

YOU KEEP THE SOURCE/S OF YOUR PROBLEMS NEXT TO YOU AND IN YOUR LAP!

Then Think You can complain and expect people to HONESTLY CARE when THEY SEE.

You are NOT DOING ANYTHING TO FIX WHAT YOU CLAIM IS SO WRONG.

I remember when Stacey said flat out "Your Family...? Is, is very aggressive. Mine, mine doesn't mind talking but Yours. It's like, ENOUGH TALK! SHUT UP AND DO SOMETHING OR I'LL SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP SO I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR YOUR GODDAMN WHINING ANYMORE!"

And mind You it was a FOREIGN CONCEPT FOR HER TO EXPERIENCE, You don't get to keep TALKING. When You ARE NOT DOING A THING TO FIX ANYTHING!

So just reading through this journal tonight?

While moving My Things around?

I literally wrote down the fact that She was intentionally BEING STUBBORN ABOUT SOLVING HER OWN PROBLEMS WHEN SHE SHOULD. And Then KNOWING WHEN TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN THINGS WERE HONESTLY TOO MUCH FOR HER TO HANDLE.

I type all of this because the reason why SHE COULD NOT HANDLE THINGS CORRECTLY WAS DUE TO BEING SABOTAGED FROM DAY-1 BY HER OWN PARENTS.

Who taught Her.

Nothing.

Expected.

Nothing.

And then DID NOTHING when THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO.

But somehow They EXPECTED HER TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A GOOD AND HAPPY LIFE.

Madness.

So by the Time I came along.

Shit had been disorderly FOR HER ENTIRE LIFE.

Uhhhhhhh, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I'm NOT.

Because sure enough She saw when shit got out of hand or when She honestly NEEDED MY HELP AND SUPPORT?

I GAVE IT AS A MAN SHOULD.

But FOR HER, since She'd NEVER GOTTEN SUCH RESPONSES FROM MEN.

It was kinda like...?

Oh.

Oh God.

Must You, say, OH!?

Must You DO, oh God.

Please don't hurt Them anymore!

And all I was doing was using WORDS.

And.

Actions.

Through a Phone.

-_-

The Real Issue was that these were people THAT SHE STILL WANTED TO HAVE CONTACT WITH, yet She ALSO wanted Them to give Her Respect and Treat Her Better, meanwhile?

The Reality was that had she have HONESTLY BEEN FOCUSED ON OUR RELATIONSHIP?

Then She wouldn't have spent that kind of time and energy ON THEM, because THEY WERE THE PAST.

And  FUTURE WITH ME WAS WHAT WAS AHEAD OF HER...!

So once again Nicole Michelle was and is right on point when she talks about the Fact that a woman will show a man what HER PRIORITIES ARE AND WHETHER HE'S ACTUALLY IT.

When all that talking doesn't match what SHE'S ACTUALLY DOING.

And Dwelling on people who have done Her Dirty when She's finally got the chance TO RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET AND GET AWAY FROM THEM!?

Clearly She's still fixated on "what They did" instead of WHAT SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

And Nicole Michelle was right.

And reading through these entries I literally was brought back to the Fact that I HONESTLY had TO TEACH HER HOW TO FOCUS ON WHAT IS IN FRONT OF HER AND WHAT SHE IS CLAIMING IS IMPORTANT.

I was also reminded that Stacey and I were FRIENDS FOR NEARLY 5-YEARS BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE TOO!

So it's just interesting and NECESSARY.

For My Son to see the Fact that at some point You Have To as a MAN.

Admit that Your Feelings DON'T ACTUALLY MATTER.

What MATTERS ARE THE FACTS AND THE REALITY OF RESULTS.