Housecleaning & the IT-Factor....

GOOD MORNING FROM UPPER DARBY!

Running around here first thing in the morning. Got good work done yesterday now to follow-up! But first I decided to post this youtube from Cochise Tarak-Saa where he talks about not cutting your friends and family off THAT YOU KNOW WILL RIDE WITH YOU REGARDLESS. Now? My reason for posting this is because I had to part ways with my Surrogate-Son Dan, because whomever he was listening to or whatever was going on with him?

I just didn't have anymore time or energy to baby him to find out what was bothering him and why. Or what perceived slight or INJUSTICE he'd felt I'd committed against him. Mind you he told me on the phone via drunken rant what his issue was and it was so fuckin pathetic that I couldn't believe it. He made it clear that I shouldn't have talked to him about what had happened after everything broke down with Stacey, as if I had anyone else to talk to about it in the first place. I guess in HIS MIND I should have just kept it all in with my ridiculous high blood pressure at the time, until I had a stroke or heart attack.

AT LEAST HE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY, RIGHT?!
-_-
I was totally DISAPPOINTED by what he was saying when he knew full-well what he was saying was wrong. It's like, hold up, if I can't talk to you about it then WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO THEN!? Meanwhile I'm under ENOUGH PRESSURE AS IT IS and I had to finish getting this book done and that was stressful enough. It is becoming clear that because of the fact that I am HONESTLY APPLYING MYSELF AGAIN it is becoming IMPOSSIBLE for me to KEEP HANGING AROUND OR BEING WITH PEOPLE THAT DON'T SHARE THE SAME GOALS AS I DO.

I appreciate what he'd done for me, but then to reveal that he was only helping me and supporting me because HE WANTED TO SETTLE HIS DEBTS TO ME?
-_-
Well...?
Okay, then why pretend like I'm a foster-father then?
And with all that I've got on my plate, I just did not have anymore time to try to figure out what was going on with him anymore. So I just let everything just dwindle and go down the drain. And DON'T GET ME WRONG, he would come by here and drop off MONEY TO SUPPORT ME. LET ME TYPE THAT AGAIN, HE WAS MORE THAN WILLING TO GIVE MONEY TO SUPPORT ME.
But I THOUGHT he was doing that AS A FOSTER-SON SUPPORTING HIS FOSTER-FATHER while I'm GETTING MY LIFE IN ORDER, no!

It was about him trying to square his debts to me. He ends up revealing through his DRUNKEN RANT, so lemme tell ALL OF YOU. Do NOT call people or send emails about some shit you got going on, WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK. Then decide that NOW IS THE RIGHT TIME TO VOICE YOUR THOUGHTS... WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK! Evvvvvvvvvvvvvverybody knows that when YOU'RE DRUNK, whatever YOU HONESTLY THINK OR FEEL OR WHATEVER!? That shit comes out and SURE ENOUGH!? His ass said some DUMB-SHIT where I was like, well now? That was ACTUALLY. HELPFUL. Now? The pettiness. The snide-remarks. The bullshit over the last year-&-a-half, NOW!? It all makes sense now. Pathetic! And mind you, he NEVER ONCE said ANY OF THE SHIT HE SAID TO ME OVER THE PHONE...?!

To my face afterwards.
Not one fuckin time.
Not once.
And he knew what the fuck that he said.
Could I have said something, pulled him aside, yup.
Did I?
NOPE!
Because I wasn't the one who made an ASS out of himself.

And I damn sure didn't say the hurtful bullshit that he did where he made it clear that this whole thing of us being father-&-son, was just HIM playing along SOLELY so he could repay his debts to me. And LEMME MAKE IT PLAIN for some who don't or might not get it. He wasn't supporting and helping me because he BELIEVED IN WHAT I WAS DOING, like he kept lying about. He wasn't helping me because HE WANTED TO HELP ME GET MY SON BACK. No. He was doing what he was doing BECAUSE HIS ASS HAD FAILED ME NUMEROUS TIMES AFTER RUNNING HIS FUCKIN MOUTH AND TALKING ABOUT SHIT THAT HE COULDN'T FUCKIN HONESTLY DO.

All of these drawings you see here on my blog? These are all characters that HE BAILED ON, before I could successfully write up storylines for them so I could compile enough for either a compilation of sci-fi shorts. Or full-length novels based on the adventures of those characters. Some of you may know and understand what I am talking about when I say that. I'll give a QUICK EXAMPLE;

Drizzt Do'Urden /ˈdrɪtst doʊˈɜrdɪn/^[1] is a fictional character in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting for the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy role-playing game. Drizzt was created by author R. A. Salvatore as a supporting character in the Icewind Dale Trilogy. Salvatore created him on a whim when his publisher needed to replace another character in Salvatore's first novel, The Crystal Shard. Drizzt has since become a popular heroic character of the Forgotten Realms setting, and has been featured as the main character of a long series of books, starting chronologically with The Dark Elf Trilogy. As an atypical drow (dark elf), Drizzt has forsaken both the evil ways of his people and their home in the Underdark, in the drow city of Menzoberranzan.

Drizzt's story is told in Salvatore's fantasy novels in The Icewind Dale Trilogy, The Dark Elf Trilogy, the Legacy of the Drow series, the Paths of Darkness series, The Hunter's Blades Trilogy, the Transitions series, and theNeverwinter Saga, as well as in the short stories "The Dowry," "Dark Mirror", and "Comrades at Odds". All of the novels featuring Drizzt have made the New York Times Best Seller list. A number of the novels have been adapted into graphic novels by Devil's Due Publishing. Drizzt has also been featured in D&D-based role-playing video games, including the Baldur's Gate Series and Forgotten Realms: Demon Stone.

I decided after reading ENOUGH of R.A. Salvatore's SHITTY NOVEL, which I never finished because it was so goddamn stupid and SHITTY! And yes, THAT IS BITTERNESS THERE. Because those novels ARE CRAP! I wouldn't DREAM of trying to publish the SLOP this Whiteman tosses out! But the reality is that since Whites OWN EVERYTHING, then he can FIND ENOUGH WHITES THROUGH ADVERTISING ALONE. ABOUT A POPULAR GENRE TO BE ABLE TO BE "SUCCESSFUL". I was looking at the fact that once again, how many Black writers, self-published. Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Adventure. One reason why they can't get anywhere is because there really isn't ENOUGH BLACK ADVERTISERS TO ADVERTISE THROUGH IN THE FIRST PLACE. No one can buy your product if they don't even know IT EXIST. Meanwhile?

The Michael Bay Transformers fall underneath this same form of SUCCESS as R.A. Salvatore.

So I already knew that if this NO TALENT HACK! Can make a living off of this SLOP he threw together, then what would happen if I honestly sat down and typed up the adventures of MY role-playing sessions. Right off the bat the first thing that came to mind is the fact that I could POTENTIALLY BE STONEWALLED because MY CHARACTERS ARE ALMOST ENTIRELY BLACK. Something that WHITES, NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, and again. It is because THEY OWN ENOUGH INDUSTRIES TO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

Dan is White, he KNOWS this is a problem and is a very real problem. I have seen first hand that some Whites? When they HONESTLY HAVE TO LIVE THE BLACK EXPERIENCE? Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, when they get the chance to run back over to the White side THEY BREAK THEIR GODDAMN LEGS TO GET BACK OVER THERE! Because they know, life is LIVING on their side of the fence. LIFE IS SURVIVAL on Ours. And Dan knows this. So that means I can't just TOSS OUT SALVATORE-SLOP and think some PUBLISHING COMPANY is gonna give me a deal or whatever. Shit has to be TIGHT! IN PERFECT ORDER! And NO BULLSHIT! So I DECIDED that if Salvatore can COMPILE THE ADVENTURES OF HIS CHARACTERS INTO NOVELS AND THEN SELL THEM. Then so can I! This is what I was trying to do. But unfortunately Dan always made excuses to bail because he COULDN'T KEEP UP when he was running the gaming sessions.

If the person running the gaming sessions puts together slop shit and crap, then of course why bother to try to write something off of it. Now? Time for me to put a card on the table. When I kept on giving him chances and he kept on bailing-&-failing, I kept giving him chances because I HONESTLY WANTED HIM TO SUCCEED. He quits too easily. And he doesn't actually handle pressure very well. So you now see where I am going with this right. And like I said, you're also seeing the failure in judgment I'd made with Stacey and My Ex-Wife and even with My Mother. I keep giving chances to people where they've already shown;

They don't have IT.
They don't have IT.
But I'm still investing energy in them.
Time.
Etc.
Meanwhile?
It's pointless.
And its not about me shitting on him or them, it's about the fact that I'd lost the ability to ACCEPT that this person doesn't measure up FOR WHATEVER REASON, and I need to move on.

If there is one NEGATIVE FACT about my time in high school? When myself and the other Black Students PUSHED EACH OTHER LIKE THIS? Kept giving EACH OTHER CHANCES while the Whites told us we didn't have IT. It wasn't that we didn't have ABILITY. DRIVE. DETERMINATION, INTELLIGENCE, etc. It was the fact that we had to BURN AWAY all of the bullshit low-standards. Kumbaya-crap. Go along to get along shit, that we'd been taught. The Whites were OPENLY challenging us and disrespecting us and trying to teach us that coping with White Supremacy and/or SELLING OUT to White Supremacy and CONFORMING to the prescribed slot that Whites wanted us in, is the way to go. If we disagreed, they made it clear;

Do something about it bitches.
And so, we did.
Much to their chagrin.

I remember how My Mother used to sound almost paranoid when she used to tell me "You're too harsh towards people, Shawn. You can't just make snap judgments about people and cut them off."
And I used to tell her that my so-called snap judgments weren't snap judgments at all. The person had shown me that they don't have it. Or they're all about bullshit. Why would I want them or that mentality around me with all that I've already got on my plate.
And that only seemed to make her more nervous, till I realized damn near a decade later, I was in my late 20's by the time I realized that?

Tch, wow. Thanks mom, I get it now. HA! You wanted to cut me off at the kneecaps because you saw that YOU WOULD BE NEXT. She KNEW I was going to realize that she was no different than any of the bullshitters and time-wasters that I used to steer clear of IMMEDIATELY. Immediately. And that's some fucked up shit to type, however? It's already been proven to be true, much to my disappointment. It is also by far the dumbest thing I've seen, but? Selfish people do selfish things. She knew I was going to CORRECTLY see that she was full of shit and cease-n-desist all contact with her SOON AS I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL. So she kept on and kept on and kept on nagging me to be MORE TOLERANT. MORE PATIENT. Give people... CHANCES.
Unfortunately, it ended up throwing off some of my own natural defenses, personality-wise.
Eh, it happens.
But it doesn't change anything, either YOU HAVE IT.
Or you DON'T.

So the same way as when you try to get a car to turn over, you know at some point or another you're either going to go from that constant whirling noise of the engine trying to turn over TO THE CAR TURNING OVER?! Or you're going to hear that jarring metal-grinding godforsaken noise of the alternator coming to a halt and you know... You ain't goin nowhere in THIS CAR.

Dan didn't have IT.
And he showed me that long before the events of the last 8, 9-months or last year-&-a-half.
When I caught him trying to sell me my own concepts back to me, I should have simply asked him to leave my house and went on with my life.
When he bitched-up on the comic book idea, I should have stopped way back then.

He however has always known that I do have IT.
And that I stopped and spend too much time with people who DON'T.
This time, I got it right.
I appreciate what he'd done.
But intentionally trying to sabotage me right when I'm crossing the finish line, again?
Enough.

I let him walk and did not make an honest attempt to talk to him, because it was past due time that BOTH OF US actually walked our proper paths.
Good luck to you Dan.
We won't meet again.
Here is the youtube.