It's 6:19am and I woke up and checked my email just now and TBA, The Black Authority, one of the Black Youtubers I'm subscribed to. He made some new videos and posted them to youtube so I'm, still half-asleep right now. I'm like "Shit...? I gotta workout this morning... My fuckin foot isn't working right... Shit... I gotta workout this morning..." trudges to the men's room with fucked up left foot... Realizes in joke of My Left Foot... Laughs maniacally while trying to take a piss... Flushes toilet after still laughing about My Left Foot joke....
WASHES.
HANDS.
When done.
Can't really enjoy the fact that my physique is coming back because I still have this slimmed-down gut. -_- I "hate" streamlined, GUT. Mind you fat sloppy nasty GUT ain't good, but I hate that transition stage from being a fat Black fuck, to being a toned streamlined GUT Black fuck! Realizes that if people actually saw me they would say "Fuck is wrong with you man, there are people who would KILL to be in your shape! Fuckin weirdo, what kind of self-image are you seeing of yourself!?"
I come from a Black Family that only gives a fuck WHEN THE PROCESS IS COMPLETE. Not about how "well you tried". Is it done? Then YOU WON. It ain't done? FUCK YOU LOOKIN AT ME FOR MUTHAFUCKA GET TO WORK! THAT'S WHY SHIT'S NOT DONE! C'MON MAN! LET'S GOH-LET'S GOH-LET'S GOH! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!
So that's where it comes from and you know what? After dealing with the things that went on in Stacey's family and how she turned out? I'm GRATEFUL of how I was raised. EXTREMELY SO. And sometimes you have to be exposed to what happens when NO ONE PUSHES YOU AT ALL. And simply says "YOU'LL GET THAT DONE NEXT TIME." oh you failed again but "IT'S OKAY, CUZ YOU'LL GET IT RIGHT NEXT TIME." oh you lied straight to my face "IT'S OKAY BECAUSE YOU'LL GET THAT RIGHT NEXT TIME."
Meanwhile the reason why Stacey would lie is because she realized that her Parents didn't honestly give two-fucks about what was coming out of her mouth. So whatever was said was like the Charlie Brown Adult Noises to them "Wah-wah-wah-WAH-WAH-WAH! Wa-wa-wah-wah-WAH!? Wah-wa-wa-wah-wah-WAH!"
-_-
When I compare and contrast our upbringing there is no comparison. My mother, father, sister's father, both uncles, aunts, GRANDPA and grandma, all of them? My mother and grandfather and oldest uncle, my mother's oldest brother Teddy and INITIALLY my Uncle Percy. This group was by far the HARDEST FOR ME TO PLEASE. Especially my grandfather and mother. My mother had her own issues with my father. My grandfather was ungodly brutal and stern, but I wouldn't find out until longggggggggggg after he'd passed, from my mother, why grandfather was the way he was. Needless to say? The traumatic experience he had, when I was finally told about it by my mother, explained everything and (sigh) once again, White Americans standing squarely at the center of it. Proving that you can pretend as a Black Person, as a Black American, race doesn't matter. Hug a coon and hug it out, till one of your beloved family members dies because some RANDOM, not even some high-ranking MUCKKITY MUCK WHITE PERSON, just SOME RAMBLING AT RANDOM WHITE ASSHOLE. Just killed one of your family members BECAUSE THEY CAN. And now you've either got to pick up a gun and go KILL THEM.
Or take that L, that LOSS, and get the fuck on up the Road of Life looking at how you should have taken shit seriously from the start. My mother told me four years ago why my grandfather was just WORK-WORK-WORK-WORK-WORK WORKWORKWORKWORKWORK I SAID WORK SLAVE! YOU WORK OR YOU DIE! Fuck it, THIS WAS GRANDFATHER!
But grandpa would sit in the dark, smokin his pipe. In his favorite recliner. And he might just eat a can of tuna, at best. Grandpop rarely ate as far as I could tell. He was always in shape. We chopped firewood together. Fixed things around the house. Worked with cement. Cleaned! Shoveled coal into the furnace, MANLY STUFF! ^_^! We built things together! And he taught me THE FACT that nothing in this world is free. Someone offers you something for free, either decline it OR KILL THEM! Cuz they're up to something! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! AND HE WAS RIGHT! Not about the kill'em them part, and yes, he was serious. But he was right about the fact that when you're offered something for nothing, something for free? THERE IS ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS A CATCH. He then broke it down so I understood that THE CATCH, may be physical or an expectation of something in return for getting something for free, where you might not be able to actually meet whatever that requirement is or expectation, so!?
Don't just take shit for free Shawn, because nothing in this world is for free. NOT EVEN AIR. Air is created from the exchange we have WITH PLANTS. No plants to filter the crap, CARBON, that comes from out of Our Mouths, THEN WE'RE DEAD. And all things die.
-_-
And that? Is when I should have been able to figure out back then that the reason why grandpop was always so bleak and overdriven TO WORK even when it was his day-off, was because someone in his life had died long before I'd ever come into existence. And the expression of the magnitude of that death, that loss, is reflected in his OBSESSIVE work habit and his absolute inability to express happiness like a normal grandpa could. But mind you? Even as I type this? I remember seeing him smile with me many times, because he was proud of the fact that I wasn't put-off by his inability to express emotions correctly anymore. And he liked the fact, HE LOVED THE FACT that what mattered to me most WAS AND STILL IS, LEARNING. Not being fearful of who the teacher is with said knowledge or experiences.
I've said it before and I'll say it again now, the way that we are raised as Boys and the way that women are raised as Girls, produces results that often times will cause outright failure when the two genders meet. Boys are raised with an expectation and desire for them to be overly responsible for every little thing that is around them. While not having a proper balance of actual emotional expression versus being heartlessly cold. While girls are fed fairy tales and pushed to make overly emotional decisions without being given the proper balance of sound judgment so that they know that emotions aren't the be-all-&-see-all to how you should do everything. There must be reasoned, rational, logical thought. And an expectation for it. Boys are told not to cry when we are hurt. Not to cry when things go wrong. Girls are told to cry at damn near command and then everyone comes running. A foundation is laid of detachment and attention-whoring in boys-&-girls respectively. Where both sexes then have to figure it out and untangle themselves when things are too far in both of those areas.
My mother told me about how my grandfather became who he was and still is even in the afterlife, four years ago, I believe it was. It turns out that my grandfather was the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I knew him as when he was younger. He had an older brother and the two of them used to run the streets and gamble and get into shit and pretty much GOOF-OFF all the time! My grandfather idolized and loved his older brother and they did everything together! One day they were out running around the streets of New Orleans and his older brother collapsed and had an aneurysm. My grandfather realized what was going on and they tried to get help for him, but the Whites refused to bring an ambulance to the Black-part of New Orleans. So? My grandfather sat in the middle of the street with his older brother till he bled out to death and died from the aneurysm.
Whoever my grandfather was or could have been, died with his older brother in the middle of the street in New Orleans. I'd never actually seen my mother have a hard time tell me something, because she knew that because of what happened her father was never able to BE A LOVING FATHER to her or pretty much any of them. What HE DID DO THOUGH, was teach them all that when you don't have anything and don't OWN ANYTHING, then this is what you get.
Nothing.
You get to die in the middle of the street.
Like a dog.
For me? I can only imagine how many times other Black People were allowed to die, simply because Whites had the power and the RIGHT, to simply not do their job. And notice I said THEY HAD THE RIGHT, to do that, and why did I type that? Because it was true and still is. People can only get away with what they have the power TO ENFORCE. This then creates WHETHER FAIRLY OR NOT, THE RIGHT TO DO AS YOU PLEASE. And please remember that. This is NOT ABOUT FAIRNESS. It is NOT ABOUT EMOTIONS, but FACTS. AND LOGIC. AND REASON. When you are POWERLESS? You have no RIGHTS. You are being TOLERATED until such time as you can NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. This is something, this is a state or position, that you never want to get yourself into. And it was something that my grandfather saw first hand and it completely changed him. It totally changed him. He became a man driven solely by the seriousness of life and he spent the rest of his life working and driving his children to work at all costs.
My mother often says that I am COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from her and the rest of our family in how I handle myself emotionally. My main concern has always been properly managing my emotions and keeping my psychological baggage in order. There has been times when I have INTENTIONALLY pretended to be off-my-rocker, just to prove a point to certain TYPES OF PEOPLE, who think it is cute and funny to try to use others for their own ends. When they have NO BUSINESS trying to play mind-games or emotional-manipulations when they are literally 2-steps away from the funny-farm and the Nut House if the same is done towards them.
My point in this morning's post is this? The value of our relationships as men and women are completely dependent upon HOW WE HANDLE OUR PSYCHOLOGICAL BAGGAGE and WHERE WE CAME FROM, HOW WE WERE RAISED, IN THE FIRST PLACE. I have seen a disturbing trend, a twisted trend, where some of us believe that it is a-okay to try to get over on each other and other people and then think that at no point will they or should they have to answer for their actions. This morning's video from TBA? It details the history of Ray Rice and Jenay Palmer where, much like Rhianna and Chris Brown, the woman MOST DEFINITELY ends up on the wrong end of a PHYSICAL ATTACK BY HER MAN. Assaulting women is wrong and it IS NOT something I condone or excuse. My ex-wife attacked me in this manner knowing that most people never actually do their homework when it comes to a man being accused of domestic abuse. And like I've said before, I AM JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME FOR GETTING CAUGHT-OUT-THERE LIKE THAT.
Because Noni showed me long before this that she is MORE THAN CAPABLE of INTENTIONALLY LYING ON ME, OR ANYONE ELSE, TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS AND COVER HER OWN ASS. And with the completion of this book, it'll finally be time for her to have to answer for her crimes to the one person who matters the most. Our son. Something that she never considered throughout all of this, because she believes in White Power and thought that I'd kowtow and cry like a little girl because of how she'd destroyed my reputation and the fact that SHE KNEW AND KNOWS that I always look at the entire situation, and not just the Nigger-Mentality short-term of it all. So I understood based on the situation and circumstances of THAT TIME, I had no place to take Our Son with me. I had no support from my mother, which I'll delve into some other time. Those who know me still keep asking me why I ever spent any time with a woman who has done the horrific things that she's done to me. And I've said it every time "She's still my mother, like it or not. So from time-to-time I still need to make sure she's okay." and that's usually when she gets a clear shot at me.
But the bottom line is this? I am seeing an alarming trend of women who think they can be emotionally and psychologically abusive and selfish towards their men, then somehow think that tits-n-a-vagina is supposed to protect and save them when they lose control of the Man-Monster they created. I've seen that with Stacey repeatedly, too. Saw it yesterday with a woman who thought she could honestly swing on her man outside because she'd lost a heated argument to him over her spending habits and expectations from him to just give her more money. -_- Just? Bizarre. I wouldn't even have taken a swing on that dude and I'm 6'3" and 285. Yet she CALMLY, as calmly as a screaming enraged woman can, SWUNG ON HIM. Dumbest thing I've ever seen, but it is common now. Common to the point of it being pointlessly stupid. And her man had it right when he said "So now if I let you keep doing this, then you're not gonna give 2-fucks about respectin me, RIGHT!?"
TRUE!
And for the record, YES WE BROKE IT UP! But her crazed screaming and him yelling back about the fact that "I DIDN'T TELL U 2FUCKIN SPEND UP ALL THAT FUCKIN MONEY BITCH! THEN U DIDN'T SAY SHIT! NOW U THINK I'M SUPPOSED 2FUCKIN JUST MAKE MONEY FALL OUT MY ASS!? FUCK OUTTA HERE! THEN U GONE SWING ON ME AND SHIT IN FUCKIN BROAD DAYLIGHT N SHIT!?"
-_-
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, he had a point there. But? The real reason why she acted out like that was because at SOME POINT, HE GAVE HER THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE COULD DO THAT. Which is fucked up. It is fucked up, but true. Now? I don't know who these people were. I don't know where they went or what went on later on after they finally got back on their way with her talking about "Baby I'm sorry!" but I will say this much, there is NOTHING ATTRACTIVE OR STABLE about a woman who randomly lashes out when she can't get her way. It doesn't matter how GOOD a woman looks. When she can't control her emotions and is psychologically unstable? Her "good looks" GO OUT THE DOOR, CUZ THE BITCH IS CRAZY! However? Especially here in America, women are being encouraged to be emotionally unstable and to lash out physically and then scream "I'M A WOMAN WHAT R U GONNA DO, HIT ME!?" -_- I'm a man and I already know I can't go around swinging on people, so what makes you exempt AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE EXEMPT LIKE THAT? No one in THEIR RIGHT MIND, WANTS IT TO BE OKAY FOR THEM TO ACT LIKE A DOUCHE-BAG BITCH OR BASTARD, then get away with it! That's how a CHILD THINKS.
AND ACTS.
And women who engage in this kind of shit?
They aren't good mother's I'll tell ya that much!
So? Without further delay, here is TBA taking a closer look at what got me to typing all of this up on here this morning... ENJOY! And I'll talk to you all...
LATER!
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