I was up all night typing! Still fighting with writing out the reveal of the main villain. Getting things right with this is important, I've already covered that, but funny thing happened on the way to do some concept drawings at 1am this morning....
I found out that once again it is a-okay for White American companies to produce slop, shit, and crap. But nothing is being done by White Masses and nothing is being done by My Own People. I said it before that right now is actually THE PERFECT TIME for us as Black Americans and Blacks in general, to dive into the manufacturing of goods and services based on QUALITY and not just sheer, shitty, quantity.
Last night, I, me, Geese! Decided to sit down and actually draw out the massive siege-types critical for the book so that the reader can now see even more about the main enemy empire and its forces and how lethal and desperate they are to break into the city and slaughter everyone in it! However, one of my sworn-brothers, Art! What up Jia Xu! Who just sent me an email by the way letting me know he's willing to back me up on a small BUT CRITICAL BUSINESS FEE in case my access to something as simple as a debit card or credit card becomes a hassle. WHICH IT WON'T! But I am now once again being reminded of why I told Stacey she had to wait and she of course could give two-fucks back then.
Simple things that everyone else has been taking advantage of have been FROZEN AND FOREIGN TO ME over the last 13-years. This was MY PRICE TO PAY when I made it clear 13-years ago while going back-&-forth with the White American Domestic Court System here in Delco and my now ex-wife who wouldn't let me see my son. But somehow thought I was just supposed to keep giving her child support.
-_-
No.
Like I said before, yes I know that there will be people who are gonna wild-flail around and say "HOW CAN YOU KEEP MONEY AWAY FROM YOUR SON!?!?!? HOW COULD YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT!"
Because THAT, is what needed to be done TO HIS MOTHER, who thinks that lying about Domestic Abuse is a GREAT WAY TO GET EVEN WITH ME. That is for starters! Second, because my son was barely a few days off of his 1st-birthday, so giving him money? At that time he would have simply put the money IN HIS MOUTH to figure out what the hell I'd just given him. Funny thing is that he didn't have the normal habit of a baby his age of putting stuff IN HIS MOUTH except for things that were a part of him and even then THAT STOPPED REAL FAST! I remember he was puttin his fingers in his mouth at first...
Then he pulled them out and was like "Okay...!? This is me. Self-awareness-check, DONE!" then he STOPPED putting his fingers in his mouth. He did the same thing with his toes! Then once he realized "OKAY!? THIS IS ME AGAIN! Note to self, don't eat SELF!" he then stopped putting his toes in his mouth! But when it came to things like paper? Dan's artwork. Anything that seemed REMOTELY RIPPABLE!??!?! He would shake it around. Check it for rattle-ability. Crinkle it, check it for destructability. THEN DESTROY IT!
I watched this process over-&-over and at no time did he ever say "Him...? Lemme put this crinkly-crap in my mouth!"
And as you can see his next reaction was "No. No crinkly-crap in my mouth. Pacifier? YES! Crinkly-crap...? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-no." Mind you? Looking at this picture right now I am instantly reminded of just how STUPID I WAS to waste time in a relationship with Stacey. I had no business EVEN ATTEMPTING to be in a relationship with her OR ANYONE ELSE when my son's future with me was on the line and I'd come up with a means to finally be able to not only GET HIM BACK! BUT ALSO BE ABLE TO PAY OFF ALL THAT NOW GONE CHILD SUPPORT WITH MY WRITING! This is why any animosity on Stacey's part is a fuckin moot point, because while she MAY THINK she somehow got the shitty-end of the stick from HER ENDING OUR RELATIONSHIP AND ENGAGEMENT, no. Not even close. Not even close. And thank GOD I finally got my fuckin head back on right and understood that I had gone WAY FAR AWAY, and yes I typed that, I WENT WAY AWAY FROM WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, which IS GETTING MY BOY BACK! So I've got no patience for anymore bullshit in regards to her or that mess that I put myself through like a jackass when I had FAR MORE IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHO HONESTLY NEED ME, WAITING FOR ME.
By the way, could care less about White internet-etiquette. I could care less about that, just needed to add that in there. Now!? Back to the post. I entitled it When Emotions Destroy a Worthy Enterprise because even what I just typed about my son and the fact that I threw away 5-years of OUR LIVES TOGETHER for 5-years of wiping a grown woman's ass for no good reason other than being dumb enough to "be in love with her". Love with her brought me no closer to getting my son back. THAT!? IS MY FUCK-UP! Because I let my own personal feelings for her, cause me to open my fool-ass mouth when I hadn't gotten my own son back. Yes, I believed at the time that she would not become what she ended up being, a distraction. But distraction or not, I should have ended things sooner instead of later because of the fact that I knew I was no longer being productive. Worse part is that she knew this herself, but putting my son and I ahead of her was not only something she didn't do. But I'd learn the hard way that she was petty and selfish to the point of stupidity. So ME expecting a petty and selfish woman to somehow magically morph into the caring and compassionate woman she'd revealed she wasn't, was stupid on my part. And I don't find stupidity funny. Because it's not. Being funny is totally different than being funny because you're stupid. So I'll post this one again, because I myself was stupid to get distracted by my feelings when it became obvious this woman didn't have the capacity to be selfless, but always whines about that from others along with the unconditional love that she doesn't give out to others either;
Now? When I wrap all of this up in my own admissions of stupidity and bad judgment and come full-circle with it, things get interesting. We all do things in the hopes that they work out, but? I failed at knowing when to say when, while also knowing that if things fail? Then the only person who is REALLY GOING TO BE HORRIBLY AFFECTED EVEN WORSE IS MY SON AND I. That doesn't even include the damage that was done to my relationship with my surrogate-son who is still angry at me and rightfully so, for deciding to keep riding with Stacey when she'd already shown herself to be untrustworthy, unstable, and unsuitable in even being honest about her own family and those around her. Howzit!? I'll tell you how it is right now. Responsibilities really don't care about whatever we are feeling towards whomever we are feeling whatever we are feeling at THAT MOMENT. And while this is actually not me typing something you don't know already, I think you can relate to the fact that since we're all human the trick is when to CONTROL ONE'S EMOTIONS. Look it!
Dogging out my ex-Stacey, that's not my intent regardless of how I KNOW IT MAY SEEM. But being honest about the fact that I really EXPECTED BETTER FROM HER, is the truth. And I've seen repeatedly now with my own eyes that she really doesn't care about anyone or anything, but instead pretends like she does because that is how she's spent the mass majority of her life, pretending. Pretending while storing up vast quantities of hatred and animosity for people and then looking for someone to hide behind while she deliberately guttersnipes from the shadows at people she's lied to for decades and claimed to "forgive". >_< That is a HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE. HORRIBLE! You can't fuckin pay me to live that kind of torturous lie where I stay around people that I actually HATE. Ugh! >_< I am GRATEFUL to my family and my upbringing, regardless of the bullshit that went on, where they taught me that you have to be responsible for making your own life at the very least, bearable. And lying every five-seconds to get out of accountability and responsibility for what is going on in your life is ultimately going to cost me my ability to clearly discern when I am giving an honest effort and failing. But I may actually have what it takes to do what I am trying to do, or? I'm just fuckin shit up because I'm actually NOT giving an honest effort and I'm just going through the motions, conning myself and others as I go along. By me lying to myself, by lying TO YOURSELF, we then allow things outside ourselves within our environments, to have too much say on what goes on in our lives. We also build up a whole bunch of animosity because we aren't actually happy or content or at peace with what is going on with ourselves, with those around us, etc. Instead of being in harmony with our environments and those that are in them we become either afraid of them or we intentionally seek to HIDE IN THEM, so we don't expose ourselves as being unable to cope with the daily-rigors of life and all of its good-&-bad that comes our way.
You wanna have a balance of both, but you need to have that core sense of self-introspection so you can properly know when you are going off the rails and just fucking up like I did by believing that Stacey was supposed to share my goal of getting my son back and getting my life in order, when regardless of everything that went on, what I just typed is centered around ME. Getting things in order IN MY LIFE, with the belief that Stacey was supposed to actually need or want me to get ME in order and help me with these things when these are MY ISSUES. Not hers. This was also something that ended up happening on her end as well, where she had things she needed to get in order with who and what was around her, but she instead did the same thing of looking to me to solve every problem in her life instead of solving them herself. I realize now even as I look at this particular paragraph that this was another reason why things failed so miserably and I never got anything done, because?
I was willingly trying to live her life for her, until I finally understood what was going on and what she was asking of me, and worse!? What I was actually doing. I had to wise up and wake up and I finally told her that I am not here to live her life for her, because then how can she ever learn anything. Conversely? This is why I am here typing to all of you, because it finally hit me that sitting around waiting-&-waiting-&-waiting for her to wise up was the wrong thing to do, because my son was out here waiting for me and here I was being a father to a grown woman instead of being a father to my own son. So I finally got it right and I told Stacey to wait and for the life of me it wasn't what I wanted, but this is why I am making this post, because it wasn't about WHAT I WANTED. It was about WHAT WAS NEEDED. Needs. Come before wants. And I'd put that ass-backwards and it cost me 5-years with Stacey and now these last almost 2-years of my son's life. This is something I've included in my journal-entries for him and it is something I will be talking to him about, a lot.
Learning how to control your emotions and focusing on doing what is needed versus doing what you want.
I understand that people can go into something with good or better EXPECTATIONS, but the reality was that I thought I'd LUCKED-UP by finding a good woman who could support me in finishing out my journey back to my son. I think everyone whether you're a man or a woman would love that, to find someone while you are fighting your way through adversity who honestly loves you and wants nothing but the best for you. But I realize now that while that would be nice, for me to have banked on that was childish in my own way and immature in a sense because it was for ME to finish what I started. Not for me to start taking the word of another woman in some other country who has never even seen my son before and I did not know prior when I had him with me. This is why the meaning of Life is Learning.
It is also why the phrase Life is What You Make It is critical. When you apply the two together you really do get something unique and motivational where if I need my son back, then it is up to me to learn what I need to learn so I can make it so my son is in my life. Sorting through it all is really what this blog is about and what this post is about. Unchecked emotions will destroy anyone, even me. Regaining control over myself and my emotions so that I can return to being me again, return to being normal, is critical. Posting to this blog about the things that I've gone through over the last 13-years has really helped my blood pressure too. Thinking about that last paragraph? I understand another reason why things failed with Stacey was because I should have made it clear that MY PRIORITY IS GETTING MY SON BACK. If she will not or cannot help me in that, then I can't be involved with her in any way. THAT? Is what I SHOULD HAVE DONE OR COULD HAVE DONE, too. Clearly define myself and my terms for being in the relationship with her. If she said fuck-off? Then that would have been cool, because it would have saved me time. Time? Time is such an invaluable commodity isn't it.....
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