The Sagacity of Sworn-Brother Shimmell Simmons....

GOOD MORNING FROM UPPER DARBY!

Just filled out some apps for data-entry positions and collections positions. I've still gotta figure out what to do about TWO POSITIONS where ONE is SUPPOSEDLY INACCESSIBLE TO PUBLIC TRANSIT. The OTHER IS ACCESSIBLE but the RECRUITER may not want to have me get the job because I don't have a car. It is AMAZING AND FRUSTRATING that I would have found a DECENT JOB MONTHS AGO WITH A CAR. And while, like I said earlier, I APPRECIATED My Mother giving me the money for rent!?

Things went the a-typical route between us the moment I asked FOR WHAT I WOULD NEED TO SOLVE MY SITUATION, which was the use of her truck for the month's vacation she was gone. And her response was not only BLATANTLY OBVIOUS, BUT POORLY DONE. When she came up with the LAME EXCUSE OF;
You haven't driven in a while so I can't lend you my truck.

Even when she knew that MY DRIVING SKILLS ARE BETTER THAN HERS. And I've worked THREE JOBS WHEN I HAD MY CAR/S THAT WERE DRIVING JOBS, ONE OF WHICH!?

I created for myself during my college days where my insurance was THROUGH HER and NOT ONE TIME DID I EVER HAVE AN ACCIDENT.

Again, TBA has talked about the SUSPICIOUS NATURE of Black American Parents who will sellout to get their children to either SETTLE FOR SLOP or they will INTENTIONALLY COCK BLOCK THEIR OWN CHILD TO PREVENT THEIR SUCCESS OR STABILITY. Among my friends it is well-known that My Mother and I have had an EXTREMELY BAD relationship where some figured out why on their own, BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN RELATIONSHIPS with their mother's, who of course, had BAD RELATIONS WITH THE FATHER/EX-HUSBAND/ETC.

AGAIN!? I APPRECIATED My Mother giving me rent money, HOWEVER? Even she kept asking me "What is wrong? I'll give you the money for Your Rent." and even the Landlady was perplexed on why I was not only HESITANT TO TAKE IT BUT ACTUALLY STARTED TO LEAVE THE RENTAL OFFICE INSTEAD. I was EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED when My Mother revealed she was then leaving town on vacation, where she was taken off-guard when she saw I realized that if she was gone then nobody would be using her truck. Which would have given me the entire month to find any one of the NUMEROUS JOBS that I had to TURN DOWN.

Lemme REPEAT THAT. LEMME RETYPE THAT! For the last 6 months ALONE I had to TURN DOWN JOBS BECAUSE OF LACK OF A CAR, LACK OF A VEHICLE! Where I
GOT
THE JOB!

But had no means of PHYSICALLY REACHING THE PLACE! My Mother was WELL-AWARE OF THIS. So I was NOT SHOCKED when her face turned to uncomfortable FROWN, when she realized;

So mind you? All the things going on RIGHT NOW? No I mean, RIGHT NOW!? In typical fashion for Our Relationship, My Mother doesn't mind HELPING ME when SHE CAN CONTROL AND DICTATE TO ME. But ANY TIME, and I mean, ANY TIME. Where HER HELP can ALLOW OR CAUSE ME TO BECOME SELF-SUFFICIENT FROM HER!?

The relationship between Myself and My Mother actually makes my sworn brother Art physically UNCOMFORTABLE. And My Former Surrogate Son used to become ENRAGED BY IT! Where the fact that he is White used to be the primary cause for it "Respectfully, RESPECTFULLY!? I KNOW SHE IS YOUR MOTHER BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HER PROBLEM!?"

And it is something that WOMEN IN GENERAL DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT NOR ADMIT;
Unwanted Pregnancies, FUCK UP YOUR LIFE! PERIOD. And I was an Unwanted Pregnancy, PERIOD. The thing that has made people cringe is the fact that My Mother will be THE FIRST ONE to tell you "Shawn has ALWAYS DONE WHATEVER I'VE TOLD HIM TO DO. He has never done anything disrespectful towards me, even when he becomes angry at me. He doesn't run around in the street and cause trouble and all of that. And he is honest to a fault."

Which always leads to people looking at her like
O_o Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, fuck is your problem, bitch?

And it stems from EXACTLY WHAT I JUST TYPED. Nobody likes to talk about women who get pregnant, GOT PREGNANT, had the child, but then realized that LIFE AS THEY KNEW IT OR COULD HAVE BEEN, IS OVER! So it becomes all about LEMME GET EVEN WITH THE CHILD! Which, is RETARDED. But I have SEEN AND EXPERIENCED SOME RETARDED WOMEN'S THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS where, TROUBLEMAN AND ALBERT, this is how I have gotten myself into trouble in MY RELATIONSHIPS. Because developing an ability TO BE ABLE TO EXIST AND DEAL WITH MY OWN MOTHER, being WHO SHE IS AND DOING WHAT SHE DOES.

Has allowed me to BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH AND HAVE "RELATIONSHIPS" with the Noni's and Stacey's of the world, WHICH IS
NOT.
GOOD.
Like I said before, the Crazy-Bitches are under the false notion that because I UNDERSTAND THEM AND APPEAR TO BE A CRAZY-BASTARD! THEN I'M LIKE THEM! THEN, much like My Own Mother, they become ENRAGED! When they either figure out or GET TIRED OF ME BEING ABLE TO DERAIL THE CRAZY-TRAIN AT WILL! When I say and ACTUALLY DO THINGS LIKE;
Hold up? If your parents allowed you to get raped and molested repeatedly and your family members, two fuckin brothers and ONE OLDER SISTER WHO IS STILL MARRIED TO THIS GUY!? If ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THIS has gone on with you, THEN!?

Why exactly are you FIGHTING TO STAY AROUND THESE PEOPLE WHEN YOU CAN JUST MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE?

Just stating THAT FACT? Pretty much DOOMED my relationship with Stacey. And I should have ended that, right then and there, because I SHOULD NOT. HAVE NEEDED. TO SAY THAT TO HER. And that is where the problem/s came in and come in with ME, having grown up under the roof of a mother who has serious issues WITH ME. Over something I had NO CONTROL OVER. At work? I've had SOME OPPORTUNITIES AND I'VE PASSED ON THEM. Because my priority is getting OUT OF THERE AND CONTINUING TO BUILD UP WILLIAMS WORKS AND GET MY SON BACK. Something I COULD BE FINISHED AND DONE WITH HAD I NOT STOPPED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH STACEY. WHICH IS 1 MILLION PERCENT MY FAULT! So of course when I get the OPPORTUNITY to STABILIZE MYSELF when My Mother tells me that she's going away for A MONTH! And now I'll have ACCESS TO A VEHICLE AND THE VERY REAL MEANS TO FIND AND START A NEW JOB!

PAYING GOOD MONEY!
Of COURSE I TOOK THE SHOT! And asked My Mother and I wish I'd had my camcorder to record the LOOK ON HER FACE! Where she LITERALLY LOOKED LIKE "Oh...? Oh shit, well!? Damn, if I give him my TRUCK!? THEN HE'LL BE ABLE TO STAND ON HIS OWN TWO-FEET, AWWWWWWWW HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, NAW!"
>_<
-_-
Now of course, I'm not HELPING MYSELF by putting MYSELF OR GETTING MYSELF! Into THE SITUATION TO HAVE TO ASK FOR ANYTHING FROM MY MOTHER and THAT!? That is where and why I am RACING AROUND RIGHT NOW filling out apps and ALL OF THIS! RIGHT NOW! Because I realized last month that it is just...?
That Time.
It's PAST, THAT TIME.

A long time ago My Sworn Brother Shimmell told me "Look, brother...? Yo? Seriously...? I know how much you love your mother, man. Everybody knows that, but? You gotta face facts, man. Whatever happened with her, she can't give back to you the love and the loyalty you give to her. There is always going to be a catch. There is always going to be an excuse. There is always going to be 'some reason' for why she leaves you in the lurch at the absolute worst time to do it! Brother...!? You gotta let her go man, before she gets you killed or causes you to make a decision and get involved with the wrong people. Cuz you out here strugglin and shit and she flat out refuses to give you the support you NEED, WHEN YOU NEED IT. You keep playin fair while she could give a fuck about you and I know you wanna punch me out and shit! But c'mon, man!? Stop coming back and trying to mend a fence that you never fuckin broke in the first place, brother. Let her go on about her life and you go on about yours if you wanna ever reach your full potential. I'm warning you, you keep on trying to keep her in your life, she gone do something that could make you just as fucked up as she is...!"

This POST, is dedicated to Shimmell Simmons.
I should have listened sooner.
And I understand now....
As for My Mother...?
I wish you nothing but the BEST, Mother.
But we will never meet again....