Addressing Ailments and Getting Treatment....

GOOD AFTERNOON FROM UPPER DARBY!

If there is one thing I was made PAINFULLY AWARE OF yesterday, it is THE FACT! That now that I am going to the doctors and FINALLY getting my physical ailments treated it is a sobering and painful experience. Because I have LITERALLY gone without medical insurance or medical treatment for these ailments for nearly a decade in many instances. And I am finding out now that many of my ailments are NOT bone related issues.

They are MUSCLE RELATED.

I was talking to a Black female friend of mine yesterday and she asked me a VERY GOOD QUESTION, which I honestly hadn't REALLY looked at when she said "You really are too fuckin lenient when it comes to women." and I was like "Huh? What does that have to do with finding out that I don't have arthritis in my knees?"

And she was like "The doctor told you that your knees HAVE THE SYMPTOMS OF ARTHRITIS. But the x-rays showed negative, right?"
And I was like "Yeah, but?"
And she was like "Most of your life has been like that, Shawn. When things aren't right. It has never been as easy as you just say whatever the problem is and it is easy to spot or whatever, healthwise."
And I was like "Yeah...? But I don't understand what any of this has to do with women?"
And she said "Didn't the doctor then tell you that you need an MRI, because of the fact that he found nothing with x-rays. But then when he physically was checkin your knees?"
And I said "He kept talking about 'your knees shouldn't be clicking like this', 'they shouldn't sound or react the way they are reacting'."

She then said "All that shit that was tossed out on the internet before you finally put up your blog, tell me something did Stacey ever tell anybody how fucked up your physical health has been?"
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, I was like... "Well...? Now that I honestly think about it, no."
So then she asked me "How about Noni? How 'bout your ex-wife, she ever tell anybody about how bad your health had been when you were married to her?"

And I was like "Oh shit...."
She then said "Haven't a couple of your female supervisors at work even pointed out that you're too well mannered and tolerate of some of the bitches up there at your job, too?"
At that point I knew what she was getting at when she finally came out and said "You have been in back-to-back relationships with women who are insensitive and conniving as shit. Where you've bent over backwards and when you finally said you weren't gonna keep putting THEM FIRST, they knifed you in the back, PUBLICLY. BOTH. Claimed you'd done some abusive bullshit, while BOTH KNOW you have PROOF OF THEM BEING THE ABUSERS, which led to YOU. STEPPING AWAY FROM THEM. Tell me something, since you're the one who at least went to school for psychology. Why would a Blackman of your insight do something like that. Make relationship choices like that, where look at you. You're travelling around on fucked up feet. Knees. Legs. And back! On public transit. When you had PLENTY of opportunities years ago and back then, where if you'd have been worried more about YOU. Instead of THEM. You'd have replaced YOUR CAR."

Lemme tell you something? Shit hit me like a ton of brick, because I knew what she was talking about, why, and WHO she was talking about, as the Source OF MY HIGH TOLERANCE for Selfish Bitches as she said "Where exactly IS YOUR MOM AT RIGHT NOW?"
And I was like... "I believe she's on vacation somewhere, I really don't know I know she's out of town."

And she then said "Conveniently while you're in need the most, she's, off somewhere. You DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE, but? She didn't leave you the keys to use HER CAR, now did she? Where? You could look for work without killing yourself, right now. Cuz she ain't using her car cuz she's outta town. How many jobs have you MISSED OUT ON because you didn't replace your car?"

NOW!? FOR THE RECORD. My mother has been VERY HELPFUL OVER THE LAST SIX MONTHS. But this IS NOT why Tammy was saying all of this. She was LETTING ME SEE, that I'd fallen into THE HORRIFIC PATTERN of SEEKING OUT WOMEN WHO EMBODIED ASPECTS AND ELEMENTS OF MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS GROWING UP. And she was pointing out that the MOMENTS OF KINDNESS AND COOPERATION AND CONCERN, are like the eye of a hurricane, IF YOU CAN REACH IT OR FIND IT. So I'm listening to her as she's breaking this down and LETTING ME KNOW;

"You had to ALWAYS prove yourself to your mother and in the end, you were always VINDICATED, but at what cost? Time. Emotional energy, etc! NOW? Look at what has happened to you, brother. Your body is all broken down and you are having to HOBBLE AROUND BY YOURSELF. And YOU TELL, NOBODY! You will TALK ABOUT what is wrong with you, BUT YOU DON'T THEN DEMAND THAT PEOPLE BE THERE TO HELP YOU GET BETTER. Especially not those two funky-ass bitches you wasted your time on. You didn't even THINK ABOUT CALLING ME FOR YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT TODAY. You just DRAGGED YOURSELF OUTTA BED. AND WENT. With NO THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD HAVE CALLED ME TO HELP YOU GET TO THAT DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. You keep YOUR BUSINESS WITH WOMEN, AWAY FROM OTHER WOMEN, unless it is to ASK FOR ADVICE OR VENT. And these women know this. They KNOW that you will keep THEIR NASTY SELFISH BEHAVIOR, PRIVATE. Till you put that blog up."

So she wraps the whole thing up with "You are going to have to PAY ATTENTION to YOURSELF. Not whomever your NEW WOMAN is, regarding HOW YOU HANDLE HOW SHE INTERACTS WITH YOU. If she has a whole bunch of FAMILY ISSUES, Shawn? You gotta steer clear. She got a whole bunch of SELF-WORTH ISSUES? You gotta steer clear. Because you give way too much ground when these women themselves know that you can do WAY BETTER THAN THEM. Which is why they fly into these PSYCHO-RAGES OF ACCUSATIONS when you finally wake the fuck up and tell them the party is over. Just. Like. Your Mother used to do to you. My brother, STOP DATING THE NEGATIVE PARTS OF YOUR MOTHER AND EXPECTING POSITIVE END RESULTS. And STOP AVOIDING US. You have female friends and family, STOP LEAVING US OUT OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU NEED HELP AND SUPPORT."

To say I had a lot to think about last night, is an understatement. And? She was MOST DEFINITELY RIGHT. I have been dating the NEGATIVE ASPECTS AND ELEMENTS OF MY MOTHER. Then having to clean up messes where I already knew and was shown too many times that this woman and that woman, just weren't worth all the time, effort, and energy I'd put into them. But then when I HONESTLY THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT that here I was. Walking around, and I use the term LOOSELY. But I was going through all these doctor's visits where I am BY MYSELF. Facing my health issues BY MYSELF. While having had MY NAME shitted on by shitty women who have allowed, ALLOWED. CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, CONSTANTLY, TO GO DOWN ON AND AROUND THEM AND NEVER DID SHIT ABOUT IT?

Yeah.

The Days of when a man could RISK HIMSELF for a woman, are over. And making sure that My Woman of Whatever Time, IS WORTH RISKING MYSELF FOR, is something that I TOTALLY FUCKED UP WITH. Which is why I am ONCE AGAIN CLEANING UP MY OWN MESS, by myself. And THAT, was Tammy's point. Had I have BEEN FIRM AND RESOLUTE WITH WALKING AWAY WHEN I WAS SHOWN THAT THESE WOMEN WEREN'T WORTH SELF-SACRIFICE, then? As she pointed out, I'd have REPLACED MY CAR. Instead of wasting money ON THEM AND THEIR DRAMA. It was a SOBERING AND MUCH NEEDED CONVERSATION THAT I HADN'T EXPECTED. She was just giving me a reality check to REMIND ME that I was now having to shoulder the burden by myself, because in actuality, even when I was WITH My Ex-Wife and Former Fiancee...?

I was in actuality already.
By myself....

 Tammy made sure to point out to me "I'm not here to bad mouth Your Mother, but? She's not gonna tell you to STOP DATING THE NEGATIVE PARTS OF HER, shit!? I've even had to come to terms with what YOU SHOWED ME WHERE, we're not being RAISED with the understanding that WE CAN'T BE FUCKIN AROUND AND COVERING OUR ASSES, as women and AS MOTHER'S, WHEN WE DO THINGS TOWARDS OUR CHILDREN AND THEN FUCK THEM UP. But then NEVER ADMIT, WE FUCKED UP AS A MOTHER AND THEN FIX IT!" she stressed to me the fact that "You are hobbling around and putting up with a shitty-situation, shitty-job, because you keep putting SHITTY-WOMEN FIRST! Your Mother is YOUR MOTHER, and trying to have a GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER IS FINE, BUT!?"

"Look at THE FACTS. You're out here going through all this bullshit, because you've become accustomed to MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER BEHAVIORS. You're then GETTING INVOLVED WITH WOMEN WHO TREAT YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER. They're NOWHERE TO BE FOUND WHEN SHIT GOES DOWN. You then HAVE TO HANDLE IT ALONE AND THEN YOU ACCEPT THEIR EXCUSES WHEN THEY FINALLY SHOW UP. Your mother HATED your first girlfriend. And MOST LIKELY IT WAS BECAUSE THAT WOMAN WAS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU NOW DEAL WITH."

She then finished up by letting me know that "It is GREAT! That you and Your Mother are getting along, BUT YOU LOOK AT AND REMEMBER WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW. You look at how you give and give and now? Where is Stacey? Where is Noni? Your Son? Your Mother? You CANNOT REPEAT giving and being involved with Selfish Women who really aren't RELIABLE OR WORTHY OF WHAT YOU HAVE GIVEN OR DONE FOR THEM. Stop dating and looking for the worst parts of Your Mother in a woman and you'll get back to having THE ADORATION OF WORTHY WOMEN THE WAY YOU USED TO. Where any one of them would be RUNNING TO DRIVE YOU TO THE DOCTOR'S. PICK YOU UP FROM WORK. AND HELP YOU WITH YOUR BILLS WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK."

To say I was surprised by what she said was, and still is, an understatement....!