It's been a VERY INTERESTING DAY! I've had my work ethic and planning questioned by, unfortunately, My Mother. But no sooner did that happen I had a conversation with My Sworn-Sister and she was quick to point out that she not only wasn't surprised. But didn't even understand what My Mother's point was except for to intentionally make matters worse.
>_<
Ugh!
I appreciated the help My Mother gave, but truth be told I was uneasy and nervous as shit about it. Because it always has come at extremely steep prices. When I've done well and had money, I've never been shy about looking out for My Mother, but?
As both My Sworn-Sister today and My Sworn-Brother last night and today pointed out in some way or another "I don't think Your Mother loves you, let alone, like you. You tend to do and be the opposite of her and she sees you WON'T stoop to certain levels when she knows YOU COULD. And you could have whatever you want or needed, BUT YOU WON'T."
>_<
Unfortunately, I tend to be hampered by actually having morals. Something I've been honestly criticized before on, where as I said from day-1. I had to GET RID OF A NUMBER OF PEOPLE, because they simply DO NOT CARE WHATEVER THEY HAVE TO DO TO TRY TO GET AHEAD OR SCHEME FOR SHIT.
I'm sorry, but I don't plot and scheme on My Family and Friends.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, this has made me the LITERAL Black Sheep of My Family. And within certain circles I've run with in the past and gotten rid of in the present. I can look back on the last few months and say with certainty that, YES! I could have gotten a new job by now!
If I was WILLING. TO LIE. WITH NO CONCERN OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET CAUGHT. And of course the main LYING POINT WAS;
Do you have A CAR, because we want to HIRE YOU. BUT WE'RE NOT ACCESSIBLE TO PUBLIC TRANSIT.
Now? In a TIGHT KNIT FAMILY?
Then it comes down to me talking to, in this instance, My Mother. And potentially working something out so that I can either use her car or whatever? The funny thing is that My Mother will drive across state lines... FOR MY SISTER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! She will break her neck to help out My Sister and Her Daughters. Unfortunately? For Me AND My Son, that has never been the case. And like I said at the start of this blog, I'm through keeping Other People's Secrets. My Mother, UNFORTUNATELY, has always hated my ability to be honest, regardless of situation or circumstances. And mind you? This isn't about I don't know how to lie or that I have never TOLD A LIE. No. But I DO KNOW PROPER TIME AND PLACE.
Simply put there are times when you JUST. DO NOT. LIE. You DO NOT LIE TO OR ON FAMILY. YOU DO NOT LIE ON LOVED ONES. YOU DO NOT LIE TO THE PUBLIC, ESPECIALLY WHEN SEEKING THEIR SUPPORT, HELP, ETC! It is BECAUSE OF THIS that I am able to type ANY OF THIS NOW. It is BECAUSE OF THIS PART OF WHO I AM, that I DO NOT OWE CHILD SUPPORT AND THE WHITE DOMESTIC COURT OF MEDIA COUNTY, HAS SIDED AND SUPPORTED ME.
I am NOT A COWARD who NEEDS OTHERS TO GET AHEAD OR DO MY DIRTY WORK FOR ME. But I was reminded last night by My Own Mother, just how much DIFFERENT WE ARE AND THE FACT THAT I REALLY SURVIVED AN UPBRINGING THAT MOST MALES, regardless of Race-n-Place, SIMPLY WOULD NOT. AND WILL NOT. When you can feel someone's hatred through a phone...? I was reminded this morning of WHERE I get my temper from and why I ALWAYS CONTROL IT;
I know when I have FUCKED UP. I know when I have done something WRONG. I do NOT WANT NOR NEED ANYONE TO MAKE MATTERS UP WHEN I'VE COMMITTED NO OFFENSE EXCEPT FOR SEEING THROUGH THEIR BULLSHIT AND MOVING ON. I've always been told that some of the times when this has happened is BECAUSE OF THE FACT that I have no problems with moving on from CERTAIN SHIT. Where the person is left to see that they no longer matter to me and they get pissed about it and try to cause a BIG ASS SCENE!
Instead of shuttin up, SHUTTIN UP! And steppin OFF!
I will say that My Mother's behavior yesterday was PREDICTABLE. And while I LOVE MY MOTHER AND APPRECIATE WHAT HELP SHE'S GIVEN AS OF LATE. I honestly do not think I'll be talking to her any time soon just because she seems to want me to be this heartless asshole who just uses people and places, then steps on to the next victim. And I'm sorry. That's not who I am and that's not who I ever was, even during my days running the street and even afterwards when I was involved in all the Race Wars growing up. Negative Emotions, HAVE TO BE CONTAINED AND CONTROLLED AND DIRECTED, whenever you have them. But for whatever reason, My Mother really knows that if I would just BE LIKE HER.
Then I wouldn't need gofundme pages where I'm asking for help from others, however?
The BEST TIMES IN MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WHEN I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR OTHERS AND OTHERS HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME. And I had to acknowledge last night that My Mother has never experienced what it HONESTLY MEANS to be a part of a BLACK COLLECTIVE WORKING TOGETHER AND ACHIEVING OUR GOALS. If she taught me something yesterday, it was that I was naive and stupid to have disbanded the Black Raptors. Having a core group of Blacks who aren't about bullshit here in this country is critical. I must have listened to My Mother tell me too many times in the last few months how I need to go along to get along and not worry about anything else. Get what you can get, don't worry about anything else.
Tch...!
>_<
It was a very bipolar set of conversations and discussions where I was thankful that TBA couldn't hear what she was saying to me. And I didn't want to argue with her, either. And I realize now that I should have said something more than just trying to "keep the peace" with her. Because peace between us, unfortunately, NEVER LAST. This FACT, was also a HUGE REASON why I lost all tolerance for Stacey. I've ATTEMPTED to live that LIFE of LYING ABOUT how things REALLY ARE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARENTS. It doesn't work. At some point or another, everything comes out in the wash. Some situation or circumstance comes up or comes out, where the true nature of HOW THINGS ARE, comes to the forefront.
I let My Mother speak her peace OUT OF RESPECT, last night and this morning.
But? I was left with no choice but to have to admit that we're TOO FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT to coexist for any LONG PERIODS OF TIME. And while that MAY NOT BE HOW I WOULD LIKE IT, REALITY? Is UNCONCERNED ABOUT WHAT I FEEL. There is only WHAT IS AND THE WAY THINGS ARE AND RIGHT!?
Me being POWERLESS OR DEPENDENT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Then INTERACTING WITH HER? It never ends well, FOR ME. And that is NOT something that I want or like to type about My Own Mother....
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